DEPRESSION

by: Author Unknown,

Maybe if my leg was broken or I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness they would have cared more. It seems that mental illness does not have a place in this world. There are already too many 'freaks' suffering from it, one in five Australians in fact. Sure the physical symptoms of depression may not kill me, but the emotional ones may.I know that I can be stronger and fight my depression, I want an education and a career, I never wanted to be a dropout. Finding the motivation to brush my teeth is a struggle, so you can imagine the pain I feel when people called me a faker. The inner sadness that engulfs me is phenomenal. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. Yet I would like to see some of the people who ridiculed me go through a fraction of what I have been through for a second and see how they would fight it. I like everybody else, has had problems in my life. My parents separating when I was young. I was followed home from school when day and bashed because some girls didn't like me. I've suffered the usual bitchiness and name calling. the saying 'sticks and stones may break my bone but words will never hurt me' is so wrong. Being called a whore or slut while still being a virgin has left emotional scars that feel like they will be with me forever. A simple threat sends me into a hysterical state. while physical scars heal, emotional ones are there to taunt you for life. Some people I have considered my 'best friends' have betrayed me. Many haven't called the whole time I have been sick. I'm forgotten now. I'm extremely lucky to have a caring and understanding family as well as a boy firend who would do anything to see me happy. I love them all so much. unfortunately you hurt the ones you love most. Your pain becomes directed at them and they cope the blame for all the shit the world has dealed out to you. I never wanted to hurt them. I hope they can forgive me. This was written during the darkest times of my depression. Three suicide attempts followed and my family helped me through them. I am now a happy 17 year old doing my HSC. The time of depression seem like a bad nightmare. I still can't believe what i went through and survived. There is always hope, for anyone. There is always someone there to listen.

Always There

by: Author Unknown,

Hello God, I called tonight

To talk a little while I need a friend who'll listen

To my anxiety and trial. You see, I can't quite make it

Through a day just on my own... I need your love to guide me,

So I'll never feel alone. I want to ask you please to keep,

My family safe and sound. Come and fill their lives with confidence

For whatever fate they're bound. Give me faith, dear God, to face

Each hour throughout the day, And not to worry over things

I can't change in any way. I thank you God, for being home

And listening to my call, For giving me such good advice

When I stumble and fall. Your number, God, is the only one

That answers every time. I never get a busy signal,

Never had to pay a dime. So thank you, God, for listening

To my troubles and my sorrow. Good night, God, I love You, too,

And I'll call again tomorrow!

Depression And Anxiety As A Student

by: Author Unknown,

That flat feeling
I've had low mood and depression on and off since I was about 10 years old. When it's affecting me, I just have that flat effect. Life is just happening and occasionally I get involved in it, but it's just 'there'. Like life is just happening and you're going along for the ride. Questioning is this really your life that you're living.
Anxiety with depression
In more recent years, I've noticed that when I'm depressed I have a big problem with anxiety. It's not just a social anxiety, but more like paranoia. I can easily believe that people are 'against me' or are deliberately trying to make my life more difficult.
Anger and frustration
I've also had a lot of anger and frustration in my life. There have been many contributory factors, but only recently I was diagnosed dyslexic and dyspraxic, with a short term memory deficit and an auditory processing deficit. So those learning difficulties have obviously always been affecting me, though they weren't diagnosed until 3 years ago.
Seasonal effect
I've noticed that winter was always harder than summer. In summer I would still get depressed, but maybe not as much. Of course most of the university terms are during winter, so that made it difficult.
Anxiety at uni
Looking back it's always been there, but I've noticed the anxiety more at uni. For example, I had some time out and then on the day when I was going back in I felt incredibly anxious. I couldn't concentrate on anything and could barely get myself to where I needed to go and do what I went in there to do. I did manage to stick it out, but it was a really high level of anxiety.
Failure, re-sits and repeats
I love studying, but I've never been any good at it. I failed my way through school, but I always loved studying. I just hate being taught in the way we're taught. I can't learn to be taught - I just go away and read for myself. I've repeated 2 years of uni, so for a 3 year course, I would have been there 5 years, and I've had to consider whether or not to carry on. It's been really tough at times.
Staying in bed
In the first few days and weeks of uni I felt almost euphoric - getting out and meeting new people, excited about all that I was going to learn. But once it settled down it didn't feel as much fun and it started being a trudge to just get out of bed. Usually I didn't get out of bed.
Guilt and games
I'd feel really guilty, not being in uni, so I'd start playing games with myself. I'd think, I'll stay in bed now but I'll go in tomorrow, and it won't be a problem to just miss a day. Then it gets to tomorrow and you do the same, so you think OK, I'll start next week properly. On Monday morning at 9am, I'll sort everything out - speak to the lecturers, they won't mind a couple of days. It gets to Monday morning and you think well, I didn't get much sleep on Sunday night so I'm not going to be my best so there's no point in seeing my lecturers so I'll just put it off until the afternoon. And in the afternoon you just go home and go to bed instead.
Depression spiral
That's how the cycle continues. When you start getting low, you get into the cycle of feeling low and doing low things. It's easy to think that people really don't like you, you are a nuisance, can do nothing right, don't want to get up because you're tired, don't want to go out and mix with people... and so it goes on.

Where's the health inspector?

by: Author Unknown,

Here's a pretty funny story from one of my friends in the Agoraphobia Discussion Group:
"When I first started having panic attacks, and before I knew what was happening to me, we would visit restaurants quite often and I would get confused trying to exit the ladies' room and constantly end up in the kitchen. I saw many kitchens until my husband started escorting me to the powder room and back. I can still see the cooks' startled faces when I wandered in and I don't think they ever believed my mumbled story about looking for the health inspector, but it worried them enough to shift focus from me and start looking for the health inspector too. I can laugh about it now!"

Sometimes practice doesn't make perfect

by: Author Unknown,

Another funny incident happened when I was practicing going to the mall, a real biggie for me. I was with my friend, "J".
"J" knew me pretty well. As we approached the middle of the mall and I began to feel more-and-more trapped, she picked up on my anxiety. I think my face looked something like a scarlet blowfish!
Anyway, she was very good at trying to distract me in such situations and on this particular occasion she grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and started heading my disoriented self toward the door. BUT along the way, she paused briefly at every other store, still holding me by the collar, and made me look into the window. She declared that if I didn't knock it off she was gonna drag me into the store and make me fill out a job application! LOL. Well, by the fourth or fifth store I was laughing so hard I could barely remember that I was anxious.
It was a memory that has stayed with me (and probably everyone else in the mall) for many, many years!!

The Snake and the Snake: Understanding Agoraphobia

by: Author Unknown,
I bet you're wondering just what in the heck this section is all about, huh?
Well, the idea for it came to me fairly recently, when I recognized (again) just how frustrating it is for those of us who suffer from severe anxiety and agoraphobia to explain to the average person what it feels like to sometimes have such intense feelings for no apparent reason (at least not apparent to them).
While pondering how to explain my situation to someone who's very close to me, I remembered that she has a severe phobia towards snakes. Suddenly, it occurred to me I could use analogies to make it easier for her to understand some of my "not-so-rational" fears.
Now....where to start?
I think a good place to start might be right here at the beginning. For those people who are actually terrified of snakes, just the mention of the word might make them literally shake. Reading this little writing might actually be more than they can bear.
Herein lies the first similarity. We all know, intellectually, that there's no snake here and nothing to possibly harm us. This is, however, only an intellectual statement. Overpowering fear can be so strong that the mere suggestion of the feared object or situation can be enough to get the adrenaline pumping and make us want to flee the situation to avoid the terrible feelings.
The same is true for agoraphobics. The problem is, there isn't always something tangible to "see"...the dreaded "snake" is often within us and becomes triggered by such things as memory, public places, performance- demanding situations, and almost any type of situation where one may feel "trapped," either physically or emotionally.
These types of situations (or more to the point, our fear of our FEELINGS in these situations) are truly our "snakes". The mere thought or mention of being placed in a perceived "trapped" situation can trigger panic in an agoraphobic, much the same way just reading about snakes can cause a snake-phobic person to become panicky. Fortunately for them however, their phobia is somewhat more "common" and can be seen and therefore more readily understandable.
Anxiety /agoraphobia may have many different facets, forms and "quirks," most of which are very foreign to the average individual. It's very important to many phobics that a certain amount of control be afforded them in most anxiety-provoking situations. Hence we have another similarity to our "snake-phobic" counterparts. For example, if we're attempting to "practice" going to a supermarket (which may be a highly anxiety-provoking event) with a supportive person, the average individual may not understand why we might panic while left alone unexpectedly for five minutes. To them it just seems like a very small matter, but while they've drifted away from us to check out the price of tomatoes, all sense of security in an "unsafe" place has gone out the window. Often unfortunately, along with it has gone all trust in that individual to work with us in the future. Chances are, we may be very unwilling to venture out of our safety zone with that person ever again. If that person happens to be a spouse or family member that can create particularly difficult problems.
Explained in terms of the real-life snake situation, it may be a little easier to understand.
If someone who has a snake phobia decides to TRY to desensitize to snakes, they may be willing to do it with a trusted person for very small exposures at a time. For instance, if someone brings a snake into a room, placed SECURELY in a box, and agrees to stay for only five minutes, the phobic person may be willing to do it.
Probably, just the thought of all this about to happen would bring the person to a very anxious state, but they're trusting that it'll be a limited experience, one over which they have control, so they agree to proceed. If however, the support person decides randomly to enter with the snake and then just leave the room, or worse yet, let the snake out of the secure container, the snake-phobic person would most assuredly panic and perhaps never be willing to try this process again, and especially not with that person.
The principle is the same in both cases only, once again, in the case of the snake the trigger for the anxiety is obvious whereas in the supermarket there are no apparent "bogeymen". The "snake" is within the person, but the feelings are the same and nonetheless real.
Agoraphobic Triggers
For agoraphobics, on any given day, it often feels like we have "snakes" being thrown at us from all angles. Since agoraphobia is usually many phobias rolled into one, there are many triggers, even some we can't often identify.
A snake phobia on the other hand is considered more of a "simple" or singular phobia. It's very difficult to understand the complexity of a true agoraphobics situation on a daily basis. It's like we have to live in a society where snakes are the norm and we simply have to adjust and be willing to live with them everyday or be thought of as "odd". This keeps us continually "on our guard" and can be very threatening and draining.
I guess the bottom line here is that we all have "something" in this life to challenge us and for some of us our challenge is not readily visible or explainable to others. We ask only that you try to accept us, even if you don't truly understood.
All I'm asking, if you have an agoraphobic in your life, please try to be as compassionate and accepting as you can be because we all do the best we can and most of us would give anything to be more like you!

"GAD" or General Anxiety Disorder…

by: Author Unknown,

A friend asked me today exactly what it means to have a "General Anxiety Disorder?" I thought I would share with you my definitions by examples:
First, I asked her, "Now that it's Springtime, what do you think about?"
She said, "flowers, warm breezes, fresh scents, soothing rain showers, and sunshine."
I said, "Those of us with G.A.D., think of Spring a different way. We think about severe weather and tornadoes."
Next, I asked her what comes to her mind when I mention "travel."
She answered, "sunbathing on the beach, great restaurants, and the excitement of flying."
I told her that those of us with G.A.D. think about fears associated with flying, including delays, on-board claustrophobia, and air turbulence, and we might think of crowds, traffic, bridges, and being so far away from the comfort of home, and making sure we have plenty of Xanax with us!
Next, I asked her what she thinks about when I mention, going to a sports event?
She said, "Oh, the smell of popcorn; the excitement of the crowds, and the fun and the noise!" I explained that those of us with G.A.D., (and by the way - I am a huge sports fan and go to lots of games...) think about getting trapped in the crowds, bumper to bumper traffic coming and going; chaos, crowd-control, and being too hot or too cold.
Finally, I asked her what she thinks about when I mention "Elevators."
She said, "Nothing. I don't think anything' about elevators. I said those of us who have G.A.D. start thinking about elevators the minute we leave the house to go to an office building.
Then I stopped my discussion for a moment, and I said to her, "You know something, the more I hear myself talk, the less fearful I am becoming about these things. If I just 'pretend' to be like yourself, I will have no fears at all!"
She said, "But actually, as I listen to you, I realize that I have some of the same fears. Hmm. Maybe I have an anxiety disorder, after all!"
I think what I learned from this was that we do become "what we think." This is easier said than done. This is not to say that starting tomorrow I won't feel claustrophobic about elevators. But if I can "think" non-anxiety than maybe I will have a lot less of it. After all, what's really the difference between my friend and myself? She doesn't "think about" anxiety and she doesn't have it. But when she does "think about" it, she realizes that she does have it. I can do exactly the same in reverse, I suppose, if I practice, practice, practice!
Even if I can "think" my way into reducing my fears and anxiety by 50%, I will feel 100% better. I will give it a try.

THE TRUTH IS OUT!

by: Author Unknown,

THE TRUTH IS OUT!
I have never been too reserved about letting people know that I have anxiety disorders and phobias. I have always found that by "revealing this part about myself," it takes away 45.5% of the stress itself. I am a very active business and social person, and I need to deal with lots of people, lots of personalities, and in lots of situations, every day. So I tell the truth about "me," and here is what I get back in return. Thought you might enjoy this!
1. 39.4% of my business associates don't believe it.
2. 43.4% believe it once we go on a trip together and I talk too much about the weather before the plane takes off!
3. 41.4% will ultimately admit to having some anxiety or phobia themselves that they've never told anyone about except for "me!" Many "everyday" people tell me in the strictest of confidence that they're terrified of spiders, or airplanes, or public speaking, or just meeting new people!
4. 38.5% tell me that their spouses have some type of anxiety or depression and that they take certain meds.
5. 28.5% later tell me that they too have " a little bit of that."
6. 41.4% tell me that they are phobic about their mother-in-laws. Nah. Make that 78.3%. Okay, 92.4%.
7. 83.9% say, "David, you are so good in the business you're in, how can you possibly be telling the truth about having anxiety, phobias, and fears. I would have never guessed it in a million years."
8. 16.1% say, "David, I knew it!" (These are usually the folks who have the same fears!) What surprises a lot of folks is that it's entirely possible to be self confident, successful, and even "happy" even when one has anxiety disorders and phobias.
Yesterday, I hired a new marketing manager. Her name is "Agnes". She told me in the third interview (I guessed it!) that she has general anxiety disorder. She told me about her panic attacks. When I told her that her own boss (me!) has the same types of disorders, she seemed to relax. Ironically, she said that she would probably do the best job she has ever done because for the first time ever she would have a boss who truly understands!
I told Angela that she's probably had other bosses who also "understood," but no one has ever admitted it to her before! Meanwhile, she's going to do a fantastic job for me and I think that her anxiety will become "energy" and her worries will become "productive!"
Oh, of course I made up the percentages in my make shift survey. They are intuitive! Peace and love and blessings to all,

I Picked Up a Few Groceries Today...

by: Author Unknown,

So? Big deal, right? Yes, it's a big deal for someone who has been housebound for 5 years.
I had my first panic attacks in grocery stores and they were the first places I avoided, followed by everywhere else, until I became completely agoraphobic. Didn't even know the meaning of that word until years later when depression and extreme anxiety forced me to seek help.
It's been a long and difficult journey to get where I am today…putting groceries away and dancing with delight. I did it! Yes, me! My self-esteem is elevated, my legs are steady, and my heart is light.
After many weeks of driving "just another block today", and many weeks of actually going into the store, I became able to push the cart around before escaping. A few more weeks and I could put some groceries in the cart before I left.
I Picked Up a Few Groceries Today...actually stayed, paid, and brought them home. Please go with me as I recall the day.
11.00 a.m. Too early for the lunch rush, too late for school buses…time is right. I will drive. Into the store and check the shopping list (no list, just an excuse to locate the exit and breathe). OK, Thank God for carts to hang on to and don't look at the neon lights. Concentrate. Up and down the aisles, some are alright, others are terrible.
12:00 p.m. I have finished grocery shopping now and it's time to go through the check-out. GOD, the check-out.
12:05 p.m. I manage to get the groceries on the conveyor belt even though people around me must know I am weird.
12:06 p.m. It's time to pay…the check is already made out (2 days ago), all I have to do is fill in the amount and I have forgotten how to do it. More deep breathing, settle down and ignore the people who think you are weird.
1:00 p.m. I Picked Up a Few Groceries Today... does anyone need a urinal deodorizer or 3 lbs of brown sugar? How about pimple cream? I have everything now…including my self-esteem.

Anxiety: .it's a 'fear of ..... only fear'!

by: Author Unknown,

This is a story about myself and how my life has changed in the last 4 years! Today, I'm in my early 40's. A successful executive for a large corporation, a professional, articulate, calculating, intelligent, conservative and a generally 'nice guy'. I have a family, a loving wife and 3 children. I'm living with a change, a change imposed in my life, a change that started on May 27, 1997 at 1.15PM. The change I have gone through has altered my mind set, my mind/body response, my patience, tolerance levels and my resolve. But, that's who I am today! To some degree, I have had a spoilt upbringing, being the last child. One tends to get a bit idealistic about life and a bit 'child like' about things that may be difficult to handle. Why am I telling you this?.well, I want to share with you a 4 year experience and an unraveling of a mystery illness, illusive, changing and considered "unbeatable". May 27, 1997, 1.15 PM: I walked around my home, stressed about work and other issues. I stood in the kitchen, trying to relax, but unable to. I felt a bit claustrophobic, like my personal space was closing in. My heart accelerated marginally and remained at a slightly elevated level, but it felt like a hammer. The claustrophobic response worsened. I walked outside to 'get more air', while I tried to re-assure myself that I had everything under control. I worried about heart attack and my future, my family. I had lost my brother to heart disease two years before this. All this happened in 3 to 5 minutes. I was left jaded, confused and extremely worried. My wife got me to the local hospital. I was checked out fine. In the next few hours, I experienced waves of "very anxious" feelings. I had no idea what was going on! That same night, I paced the floor for hours as I went through several waves of "panic", I paced the floor with my children in the next room unaware of my situation. I was very afraid. I took Valium at nights for about a week. It was supposed to 'take the edge off'. This was fine for the 2 to 3 hours, but it was not going to take the problem away. I carried out a variety of tests to confirm that my heart was fine. I have played sport all my life and all of this was very confusing. "Why has this happened to me?"."what is it?" Each morning, I would awake and the "thing" was there. It was like the morning alarm. The "thing" would stay with me all day. When, I stayed home, it was worse. I never stopped going to work, I had too, to keep busy. I had 'panic' attacks at work. They were frightening and I was afraid in case somebody found out. I virtually lived the 'panic's' at work, smiling when I had too, participating at meetings and going through my activities with great mental pain and anguish. Weekends were no relief. I suffered from a constant sense of 'Dread'. This is a phenomenon that is difficult to categorise. For those people out there that have gone through this, they will know what I am saying. 'Dread' can best be categorised as a dark blanket that envelops the mind and makes one feel very mentally lethargic. It's not the best description, but the best I can do. My weekends fluctuated from 'Dread' to 'Hyperventilation'. It fluctuated, but lasted ALL day, All weekend. I kept a running chart that fluctuated between a 7 to 9 rating. Sleep was the only peace I had. I looked forward to sleep just to get away from my nightmare. The 'Dread', 'Hyperventilation' cycle did not cease, occupying every waking hour of my day. My enquiring mind did not help, as I sought for a solution from my dilemma. There was none..well, there was no easy fix. I visited a well known psychiatrist who diagnosed my condition as fundamentally 'Anxiety', with a 'Panic disorder'. Well, I found out, at least! I had options, medication or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I chose to overcome my problem without medication. It was now 2 years of the same symptoms plus I had some more to contend with. I found that whenever I took the stairs and obviously my breathing and heart rate would change, I would panic. I would try and avoid stairs, always making excuses, or walk up them slowly. Shopping centers were starting to become a problem. I would get anxious whenever I entered one. One day, on business interstate, out of the blue, I panicked in the shower. It was a bad one, and followed by waves of them, one after another. They hit with vengeance. This was 2 years after the first problem. I was now panicky in showers as well. When I played sport, every time my heart rate or breathing changed, I'd panic., but I persisted in doing these things, I had to. I did not do them because I was strong, I did them because I was inherently afraid that I would have to deal with a bigger problem of avoidance. What I'm about to tell you in no way isolates the effort or the help and assistance, I received from my psychiatrist. It compliments his efforts and does emphasise the importance of the individuals need to take control. My psychiatrist was my 'rabbits foot' and was assisting me with the 'tools' I would need. I would need a lot of 'tools'. My belief system was to be tested. My 'Iron' (that thing in the core of ones soul) was going to get tested. My patience was going to be tested .and still is. My physical system, my endurance, my mental toughness would all be taken to the limit. I read profusely, every view on the subject. I scanned the Internet pages, went to the library and read, read and continue to read. The body has a self-regulating system to heal. It tries to heal itself on a 3-year cycle. So, I figured it's a matter of time and I have to wait and have PATIENCE. This would be the background of all I do to help myself. I MUST HAVE PATIENCE! Being an engineer and aware of how closed systems operate, all systems feed back into the main control to regulate performance. We have 3 basic human responses Anger, Fear and Joy. Take fear, when we are afraid, our system will continue to feed back the 'FEAR' stimulus leading to the creation of the much over used 'fight or flight' response. In 'non-anxious' people, the feedback mechanism is limited and usually cut short. In anxious people the feedback of this fear is repeated over and over again, maintaining the 'fear' or increasing this 'fear'. I have learnt to work on stopping the 'fear' feedback loop, thereby putting a stop or slowing down the 'fear-adrenaline-fear' cycle. Rational 'self-talking' of the situation is often used. De-sensitising of a situation, knowing what is about to arise is another tool. For eg. If I am involved in a sporting activity, I will carry out some self-talk on 'why my heart rate and breathing will change' and look at the possible issues that may arise, rationally addressing them before the activity. Whenever, I carry this out, I can play sport with limited or usually no problems. Face the situation- HEAD ON! This is possibly the biggest test and one I consider most influential in altering negative response. This has involved me confronting the problem areas. Problem with shopping centers, Malls, Cinemas, Church: GO THROUGH IT! DON'T AVOID IT!. Do it progressively, if need be. I once went through a shopping center 12 times. From the car park to the 5TH floor and back to the car park. The first time was 'hell', and so was the second, third, fourth....by 12, I felt comfortable. The next time, I went shopping, it was tough again, but better. Today, I can do it with NO PROBLEM. The last time I had a panic attack was in the shower, 2 years ago. As difficult as it was, I faced it, watched it pass through me, literally. It was an amazing experience. FACE THE ISSUE. Prior to this, I was very afraid of getting into a shower, it was a terrifying experience. I continue to play my sport as difficult as it was, but I persisted and refused to stop. Panic symptoms during sport are very frightening as most of ones system is already under stress. The next week, I would be out again doing the same things experiencing the panicky feelings. These feelings got progressively less. Learn to breathe properly. If you have Anxiety, you are probably not breathing properly. Learn deep, slow breathing, diaphragm breathing. When I feel a bit anxious, I slow my breathing. I use 4 in, hold 2, out 6. If you can afford time for meditation, do it. I have not found time yet to participate in this wonderful release. In-spite of how you feel, get on with what you are doing, is my approach. When I get anxious, hyperventilate etc. I continue to do what I'm doing and I try to ignore it. Its tough, but I find it beneficial. I find the anxiety loses its intensity quickly. This won't change overnight, perhaps not the first time, the tenth time, but it eventually did for me. Accept things for the way they are. This has been my biggest challenge. Don't fight it! For nearly 3 years, I continued to ask."why me", "what caused it". It's no good dwelling on these questions. I could not do anything about it, if I knew why. I often reflect on the words of Shirley Bassey, "I am what I am". I felt I had lost watching my kids grow up for 3 years, the guilt is there, but why should it be? I accept (80%) that this is me today. The way I am is now me, it's my soul, my chemistry for the way it is, not what it was. Get an interest. Get a hobby that occupies your spare time. Variety is the spice of life. Even give something back to the community. Help someone, there are always people worse off. Self-talk does wonders. The power of the mind is totally untapped. If a sportsman can get their motivation levels up to win, ANYONE CAN. I have found several 'self talk' little 'speeches' I give myself under certain conditions. They all work, and work well. The 'self talks' can take away for me 'Hyperventilation', 'Apprehension', 'Dread', 'Panic' feelings. Cured? well, what's cured ? I consider myself having a slightly elevated alarm system. Every now and then, I need to get up and turn the alarm down a bit. It may ring constantly, but its not continually loud anymore...one day the battery will go flat! If it does not, that's OK as well. Getting on top of an Anxiety illness is time based, Its PATIENCE, its FACING THE ISSUES HEAD ON, its believing that you can do it. Its also addressing several issues in a small way continually, relentlessly. Change follows. I play sport 3 times a week, I do my job (the stress is still there), but my priorities have changed, I can go to the mall and I can shower without any problem now. I still hyperventilate, but that's OK, I can manage it. I know none of this is harmful to any part of my body or mind... its fear of ...only fear! I am getting on with my life. I love life, more than I ever did before. I'm probably a better person these days for the experiences I've had (how about that). It's taken me several years to establish this is all about FEAR and "what might happen". I understand that and that's half the battle. I'm not silly enough to believe that I won't have a set back. This time I have tools to work with ..and until then, I am going to live. Thank you for listening and I hope I've helped even in a small way.

What is recovery, and how do we know when we've reached it?

by: Author Unknown,

Is it the absence of panic attacks and anxiety symptoms? Is it the ability to go anywhere we choose without fear? Will life suddenly become a joyous, happy adventure, with all our problems solved? Or is it something more subtle and profound? Something perhaps we wouldn't even recognize as recovery unless we knew what it was supposed to feel like. When I first joined Bronwyn's e-group in January of 2000, I remember having a discussion with her about what I could expect when I was recovered. In my opinion, being recovered meant never having a panic attack again. Ever. It meant never having anxiety symptoms again. Ever. It meant I would emerge from the smoke and rubble of my disorder a fearless woman whom I would hardly recognize as my old self, able to handle anything life threw at me without so much as batting an eye. I was far from being correct. Bronwyn told me that even after full recovery I might experience the odd attack or symptom here and there. She told me anxiety is a normal emotion, and I would probably feel that as well from time to time. I didn't want to hear that. My focus was on the panic attacks and anxiety alone. I wanted it to be gone. End of story. So, back and forth Bronwyn and I went in our e-mails, she in the hopes of helping me understand what recovery is, and me in the hopes of hearing what I wanted to hear. In life, though, we rarely hear what we want to hear, and more often hear what we need to hear. Sixteen months later, thanks to Bronwyn's book Power Over Panic, her online e-group, my own CBT therapist and a lot of hard work, I can happily say I am almost 100% recovered. Why do I say almost 100% recovered? Well, in those early days it never dawned on me that perhaps there was a reason I had developed panic disorder. I never suspected the way I was living my life, the way I was treating myself, and how I chose to think and react needed to be the true focus of my recovery. So while I can't remember the last time I had a panic attack, I don't consider myself 100% recovered as I know I still have some work to do on myself in those areas. I now understand that the most important part of being recovered is losing your fear of the symptoms. It's not whether or not you feel panicky or anxious, but it's what you do in response to those feelings that constitutes recovery. I may still feel some anxiety surge up from time to time, usually only when I am very stressed about something, but I no longer react to the feelings. There is no longer an element of panic to my "attack." Actually, I wouldn't even call it an attack anymore. Being attacked means falling victim to something. I am no longer a victim of panic disorder. The power has completely drained out of those sensations, and now they are merely just a hiccup along the way. A small and rare annoyance or inconvenience over which I hold the upper hand. Losing your fear of the symptoms, and changing your attitude toward the way your body behaves, along with working with your thoughts will affect every single aspect of your life, not just the disorder. My whole approach to life and to challenges has changed. I am no longer the overactive, drama queen I used to be. I save my dramatic reactions for the positive things in life, like excitement, laughter, love and joy. I now approach problems and challenges in a more productive, rational and logical way. That's not to say I don't get upset, but I know when to reel in the emotions and switch over to a more detached, cerebral way of dealing with things. In other words, I can tell when I'm getting myself all worked up, and I put the brakes on immediately. I understand now that allowing my emotions to run wild, scaring myself with catastrophic thoughts and images is only a form of self-abuse. It scares me, makes me upset, and brings on symptoms. So why would I choose to do that to myself? In learning not to overreact, I've become a much better caretaker of myself. One of my biggest fears was that I would never be normal again. I feared I would always be "different", defective. How wrong I was! Having panic disorder and recovering from it has made me a much more well adjusted and mentally healthy person than I ever was before the disorder! We all want to "feel the way I used to feel." I ask you why? The changes recovery will make in you will far surpass who you "used to be." I know that's hard to believe. You will just have to trust me on that one. So back to the original question. What is recovery, and how will you know when you're recovered? Recovery is so much more than the absence of panic and anxiety. It is the emergence of a better sense of self-worth, a stronger self-compassion, an ability to judge yourself with a gentle eye. It's the ability to accept and love whom you are, instead of constantly trying to be who you think you should be. It's an increased capacity for joy, and an increased strength to overcome obstacles. It's an increased trust in yourself, a deep knowing that you are capable of taking good care of yourself. It's a shift from the deep desire to please others, to the deep desire to please yourself. (This isn't selfish, and learning that is also part of the journey.) Recovery is a process, not an event. It unfolds like a rose. It is an evolution of the mind and spirit. It's an overcoming and a rebirth. It's a bittersweet victory, as you celebrate the person you have become, while letting go of the person you once were. Emerging from a cocoon with gloriously painted wings in the colors of your own choosing, confident of your ability to fly no matter which way the wind may be blowing that day, is true recovery. The end of panic attacks and anxiety is just an added bonus.

Story With A Happy Ending

by: Author Unknown,

I first became aware of my anxiety and that it wasn't quite normal to feel this way, when I was 17. I had become very depressed and was taken along to a psychiatrist at the time. Basically all he did was confirm that there was nothing wrong with me and that I should open up and talk about my problems a little more. I had Valium prescribed and gradually settled down to an anxiety lifestyle, deciding I would do without the Valium if I could at some stage. I managed this OK for a few years until I had my first big dissociative experience due to stress about three years later. And this was followed shortly by my first big blinding and frightening panic attack while out bush walking. My thoughts were that yes I had finally gone mad and there was NO way I would tell anyone about this! I began to avoid those places where I thought it might happen again and of course my lifestyle became quite limited over the next few years. I became quite adept at hiding my anxiety, while all the time feeling very very tense inside from being on the lookout for it all the time. This set the pattern over the next 15 years or so. I saw a couple of psychologists during that time and learned yoga and relaxation exercises, but I finally had the name "Panic Disorder" put to what I was experiencing after seeing a woman on the Midday Show talking about it all! I still had no idea how to manage it, but it seemed that staying relaxed and not getting too stressed was the best way. But the problem became that so many things stressed me these days. I was now in my early thirties and still single. I just became resigned that this was how I was, things were hard for me, I was lacking in some way, I couldn't go on holidays, had a job that I was afraid to leave. Even though it was boring it was safe. I met my husband during these years, and amazingly he seemed to still like me even though I had all these things I couldn't do. He helped me to overcome some things, but my anxiety still continued into those early years of our marriage when it became really really tough. In desperation one Xmas, now in my early forties, I rang Life Line in Adelaide feeling so dreadful about letting down my family and friends at this time of year again, and feeling sure I could never find a way to feel better. But this is the thing that made a really big difference. After some wonderful support from the phone counsellor, he let me know about the courses Bronwyn Fox was running. Nothing could stop me going along to that first information night. I was busting to learn some thing about this! And this is where things really started to happen! I found out I was not the only one to feel like this, and everyone there that first night even looked NORMAL! I learned finally a sensible explanation of what had been happening to me AND what I could do to make some changes. This was very exciting to me! I could sense I was on the right track at last and I signed up for the "Living Skills" course a few weeks later. My recovery did not happen overnight. I began to learn about me, where my stress was coming from, what I could do about it. I read books and did more courses that Bronwyn was running.. Meditation, Anxiety Management, Boundaries, Self-Esteem, Inner Child. This was all wonderful new ground for me. I soaked it up like a sponge and really got to work putting it into practice. Learning to accept myself, my feelings and emotions was something I had never considered. I had always been a perfectionist and put everyone else ahead of me. I had been taught that it was rude or selfish to do otherwise. And to follow these wonderful courses, thanks to some wonderful little books by Bev Aisbett I was now able to look at Panic Disorder and Panic Attacks with a sense of humor for a change! What a relief! I have learned that it's very normal to feel anxious at times, but at other times it's not necessary. I began to identify the things I liked to do and those I was simply doing to keep the peace. I began to make better decisions for me. I began to notice some unhealthy friendships and made changes where I could. I became the me who I really was, rather than the me I thought I SHOULD be according to other people's opinions. It had been a tough few years for me. I had a bout with Breast Cancer and I also had a temporary separation from my husband during my recovery. But things have never felt better for me than they are now. I can truly say that what my anxiety disorder took away from me it has given back 100 fold in what it has shown me about myself and those around me. I can see looking back that I had anxiety as a small child, due to very few helpful role models around and learning, without question, some unhelpful ways of doing things. It is never too late to review these things and learn to make better choices for ourselves. So when did recovery actually happen? Was it the the first time I was able to let a panic attack whizz by me and I was able to let it just happen, so that it was over and gone in a matter of minutes? Or was it the first time I sat in the theatre without feeling anxiety? It could have been the time I went out thinking. "Ok so what if I have a panic attack, I know what to do, so I'm going anyway". Or did it really happen when I was able to fly away and enjoy a holiday for the first time in years. Maybe it is even still happening now! Thanks to Bronwyn I have been able to turn my life around, and what started out 18 months ago as a way to help her, in moderating a discussion list about Power Over Panic, has now become an unexpectedly rewarding experience for me. I now have the privilege of being able to see this same transformation take place for those who are putting those same Power Over Panic principles into action as they work through similar life enhancing changes. I wish for you all an opportunity to learn what anxiety in your life can show you.

My Experiences With Anxiety

by: Author Unknown,

When l was first approached to write about my experiences with anxiety, l had no idea how stressful it would be reliving and analysing half a lifetime of experiences. I would start writing and get on a roll, then avoid it, not wanting to remember all the fear and disappointment. I realised l have been living like this for over half my life. I believe it started as social anxiety leading to panic attacks and resulting in a breakdown earlier this year.
One of my early memories of panic is of a family holiday. We were to drive to Adelaide to visit family. I was stressing over sitting in a car with everyone, which mind you l had been doing happily all my life. I felt l would be trapped in the car with no escape and feared having an attack in front of them. On the day we were to leave l started making noises about staying home. My parents were very lenient with us, so there was no pressure and no questions asked, but l wanted so much to go. I even had my bag packed, l just couldn't get in that car and go. After they drove off l sat in my room crying and hating myself. Situations like these occurred regularly over the last 15 years or so, some more disappointing than others.
Another strong memory from my late teens is of a school awards night. I was thrilled to be receiving an award but the thought of getting up in front of my whole school was just too much. I was panicking and went to the toilet over and over. I finally found the courage to take my seat in the packed auditorium. Luckily l was seated next to a girl who l had been friends with for many years. If not for her talking to me, reassuring and distracting me, l would have run out of that auditorium. If l knew where she was now l would sit her down and tell her what that meant to me. She displayed a lot of understanding and maturity for her age. I am sure we all know people who have helped us through these situations, not realising the important roles they have played in our lives. Another friend recently talked me through a short but traumatic train ride from the city. I felt so strong afterward, but have still managed to avoid trains since.
My breakdown came after a period of increased stress in my life where my attacks had become more frequent and it was taking a lot less to set me off, although l hadn't noticed this at the time.
My partner's career takes him away from home regularly. It was on his return that l had my first unprovoked attack, that is, l wasn't doing anything particularly stressful, whereas previously it had always taken a feared event to set me off, and l felt safe once out of that situation.
The day of my breakdown we were to go to a family do, taking another person in our car. The idea of being in the car with someone else stressed me out all week; l was even having panic attacks in my sleep. When the day came l was consumed with what was about to happen. I told my partner l had a headache, but left with him anyway thinking all the while that l would be alright and then at the same time that l had to get out of the car. He ended up driving me home and going by himself, but l wasn't able to relax, l was scared and teary and ended up calling lifeline. They encouraged me to tell my partner and get to a doctor ASAP.
My experience with the doctor was so different from what many others seem to have gone through. All l wanted were drugs to calm me down, l even rang the hospital, but couldn't bring myself to sit in there and wait. When l finally got into a doctor he said to me "you don't need drugs, you need therapy". I was so upset at the time, but now see it was the best thing for me. I still have times where l feel like l need something, but will fight it if l can.
I have also found books very helpful. I went to the library the day after my breakdown and came home with as many books as l could find with anxiety in the subject matter, and l have been doing this ever since, but now with a little less desperation. I have tried many things that got me through the worst months. I took up yoga and meditation which l found a bit lonely, but hit the spot at the time. I also saw a naturopath which l found beneficial. These activities provided both increased knowledge and a distraction from my thoughts.
I started seeing a psychologist as soon as l could get in, which l think was more of a crutch. She was helpful, but soon seemed to think she had done all she could for me and really a lot of what needs to be done is within yourself. I do still feel the need for professional support at times.
I have told a few family and friends of my situation and everyone has responded a lot better than l expected and have been very supportive. Telling them has eased the burden in some cases and increased it in others. When you have been living with something for so long putting on a brave front, actually admitting such a weakness is very distressing. I have always covered up my unease by being a loudmouth. Most people see me as very confident, but this was all show.
I hid my condition from my partner for 6 ½ years by being a complete bitch whenever forced into an awkward spot. He is very supportive but l know he doesn't fully appreciate the extent of my problems and this is due in part to the fact that l avoid most stressful events. Our relationship creates a whole new set of problems with guilt and questions like "what happens if his work colleagues find out?" and "How do l get over my dependency on him?" Too many things to consider and no easy answers. I have managed to miss only one day of work somehow. This has been one of the hardest aspects of it all, making myself stay at work and not running out hysterically. It has probably helped my recovery by not giving up, but I also wonder how you afford a shrink or naturopath when you have no wage?
I am at the stage now where some days are easier than others, but it is never far from my thoughts. I overthink everything from "is the door locked" to just coping with lifts and being stuck in peak hour traffic that doesn't move. I doubt l will ever be completely free of anxiety, but each new book or treatment helps me move along with the hope that one day everything will be better.

Horrific Things Going On In My Head

by: Author Unknown,

I first knew something was wrong immediately after the Port Arthur Massacre. I was at my mother's house and the television was on and a news bulletin reported that a young man (at this stage they were saying about 21), with long blond hair and a surf board on the roof of his car was running amok with a semi automatic. I remember thinking 'oh my god - it's a surfer boy - if it can be someone like that, it could be me'.
A friend had recently commented to me how weird it was that occasionally those thoughts 'I could just kill that person' come to you, and what it was that stopped you from actually doing it. After the Port Arthur massacre these thoughts just kept popping into my mind. I didn't understand at all, having never really heard of intrusive thoughts (even though I had just completed a major in psychology!) and couldn't work out why these thoughts, accompanied by such extraordinary panic, kept coming back. For a long while I thought perhaps I had just lost the plot, but couldn't understand why, if I was indeed a homicidal maniac (as I assumed I was), I wasn't thinking with pleasure of these things, instead of absolute horror.
At the same time as I had started experiencing these thoughts my mother, who had been diagnosed with cancer a year earlier, started showing the first physical signs of the illness. I was 22 and had just moved out of home for the first time, leaving mum alone. As my father has never been around and I am not very close to my brother, mum was really the only family I had. Even though I knew this, however, I never picked the connection between the horrific things going on in my head and her illness. I thought that if I was feeling bad about mum's illness, it would be a certain kind of bad feeling, that the feelings I was having could have no connection because they didn't fit in with my idea of what I should feel in reaction to mum's cancer.
Anyway, without the gritty details, this went on for about the next three years, with a variety of different intrusive thoughts. I was drinking really heavily because it was the only way I could make the thoughts go away and was sleeping very badly as well. I finished university and spent a few unpleasant months unemployed and generally miserable. Then, when I finally got a job and started in the work force I had a very difficult time functioning. I was terrified of meetings, of public speaking and of many of the things that were common place in the job I had started. I felt like I was the only one who felt this way, and this compounded my feelings that everyone else was coping so much better than I ever would. I was still drinking heavily, smoked a lot, and had started taking Beta blockers (physical relaxants which the doctors seemed only too willing to prescribe) to cope with life and Benadril to help me sleep. I constantly woke up in the early morning and lay there worrying about the next day. I felt like I was using a different substance for everything, caffeine to wake me up, alcohol to make me socially acceptable and tablets to make me capable of functioning at work. I went to a psychiatrist who specialised in anxiety, and she suggested anti-depressants in the first session. I said that if I was to be medicated, it might as well be self medication and never went back. She didn't make any connection between the stress of mum's illness and the way I was feeling.
Then mum died. The next few months after this were terrible in that I didn't understand any of what I was feeling and tried to keep up appearances. I went overseas and had what was, in retrospect, a fairly horrible time partying with my friends because I didn't feel like I had the space to grieve. Most of my friends at the time also drank really heavily and so didn't seem to notice anything too much wrong with what I was doing.
Then one of my friends, a very dear friend who I met up with in London, told me how worried she was about me and suggested I saw Sallee, who she knew through rock climbing. I was so distressed by this stage that I was more than happy to try it.
I could go on for ever about the process of counselling and recovery, but there really isn't time so I'll stick to the main points. Sallee turned out to be absolutely perfect for me, and I can't express my gratitude for what she has helped me achieve. I didn't always feel this way however. The second session we had she announced I would have to stop the smoking, drinking, caffeine, Beta blockers and generally everything. I was utterly depressed afterwards, convinced that I would never have any fun ever again and that my life was effectively over.
The next few months consisted of her slowly helping me to believe that these things could change, and helping me to understand that there is nothing wrong with not feeling completely under control in every situation. This was a pretty impressive task on her behalf given that I am very stubborn and tend to assume that other people don't really understand what I am going through. She also made me see that what I was experiencing was not pathological, as was suggested by the psychiatrist, but that it was a perfectly natural grief reaction to everything that had happened in the last four years.
It was quite a slow process, and I continued to see Sallee for the next year and a half. We developed a really trusting relationship and I was able to see what a decent therapeutic relationship is all about (which was very handy, as a psychology student). There are so many things that I feel like I have learned through this process, but I'll just mention a few.
The first and most important is that there is no point trying to be bullet proof. I think that this desire to be completely under control is at the root of most anxiety related conditions and I don't think that it's any accident that there are so many people with these symptoms around at present. We have developed into a society that values invulnerability so much that everyone is busily running around trying to pretend that everything is fine. And the thing that strikes me as most ridiculous about this is my own realisation that I don't like bullet proof people. I don't trust them, I don't admire them, and I certainly don't want to be around them. So why on earth was I trying so hard to be one? Now I feel like the most admirable people are the ones who are open and honest about their experiences and feelings. I also feel like it is a responsibility to other people to be honest. Every time I pretend that everything is alright when it isn't, I add to the army of people faking it and to the impression each and everyone of us seems to have that she is the only one with the problem. It's a bit like plastic surgery - everyone who has it contributes to the fact that those people who don't, who are normal, begin to look like freaks.
I also learnt that what you do to your body physically has an amazing effect on your state of mind. Things like regular exercise, herbal teas and stopping caffeine and alcohol intake improved my mental health massively. Far more so than anti depressants, I imagine.
The other really important thing is that being unable to imagine doing something is in no way a realistic measure of being unable to do something. In the last week, I have spoken in front of seven different groups of complete strangers as part of my thesis research. Since commencing counselling, I have taken up rollerblading, tried rock climbing, dance classes and language classes. And all this from a woman who had trouble leaving the house without a spare stash of Beta blockers, 'just in case'.
I should say at this point that I am not 100% over it all, and don't really ever expect to be. I occasionally get anxious, I have sleepless nights, and I behave invulnerably to protect myself. I imagine, however, that this is actually just part of being human, rather than being part of a syndrome or disorder. We are all a bit wobbly at times, and I think that the world would be a far more refreshing place to live if we were better at accepting this and living accordingly.

Unpredictable Panic Attacks-Case Study

by: Author Unknown,

Phase 1
I have lived with varying degrees of this condition and its fears, unpredictable panic attacks, worries and depression for the last 15 years. This personal case study covers an extensive length of time and can really be divided into two main phases. The initial phase, which had the outcome of psychological and physical ill health and the second phase in which changes were implicated, resulting in gradual improvement over years and a satisfactory health outcome, both physically and psychologically. My background is middle class and although my early family life was not free from stress, I was always independent, outgoing and adventurous with no tendency to form phobic reactions. I had also travelled widely both overseas and in Australia without any ill ease and had always used public transport. The first symptoms began with the first panic attack. I had suffered for 18 months prior to this event with chronic diarrhoea, a complaint originating from a holiday in Mexico in 1976. This became physically debilitating as well as stressful psychologically, as, after numerous tests, specialists and trips to hospital no formal diagnosis was reached. It was then put down to 'irritable bowel syndrome' due to 'nerves' (a diagnosis I never accepted) and I was prescribed Lomotil for the diarrhoea and Valium for the 'nerves'. Although I managed reasonably well, the complaint came back on and off. I then had the first panic attack. This panic attack was actually adaptive fear. I was feeling fine and walking down a busy street, suddenly, without warning, I realised I was going to be really ill (diarrhoea) and there was nowhere to go. As well as being an extremely distressing experience it left me feeling lacking in confidence in my own bodily functions. This event changed my life and marked the transformation from the outgoing, confident person that I was into the fearful, anxious person I was to become. I was suddenly gripped with a terrible fear of a recurrence of this situation and the public embarrassment associated with it. "What would I do?" How would I get to safety?" Even thinking about it made me anxious. As time went on even when my stomach was not upset, any situation I felt was 'dangerous' became associated with some fear - public transport, walking from home or car or being trapped in any situation from which I could not escape quickly. Soon these fears became minor panics and as the disorder escalated, I found that I had increasing difficulty with everyday tasks which involved moving from home or other safety points such as my work and car, simple things had become terrifying. I started to have frequent and unpredictable panic attacks, mainly away from the home and which began typically with predictable anxiety, now suffered in certain situations, followed by a feeling of unreality and other physical symptoms, palpitations, sweating, trembling and dizziness. These attacks would leave me feeling physically and emotionally drained. I could not understand why these panic attacks were occurring especially when physically I felt O.K. No amount of 'self talk' and logical reasoning made any difference. What I did not know at the time is that I had become an agoraphobic and I was not equipped to deal with irrational phobic fear. I was forced into a restricted existence and felt I was confined to a few safe places and had the trauma of travelling to and from these places. The effect on my social and life in general was devastating. I lived with a constant base line anxiety level, which went up in peaks with the panic attacks but never seemed to go away. There was always the choice between non stop distress for the length of time I was away form home and then exhaustion, or the anguish of depression if I failed to go at all. I felt I was trapped in my own unreasonable fears and I felt absolutely powerless to bring these panic states under control. The burden of daily stress and the failure to cope adequately with the normal simple routines of living caused me to be increasingly depressed. My social life was unsatisfying and work became more difficult as I found it harder to concentrate and I was constantly anxious. I was taking days off when I could not reach work and had to turn back home with feelings of failure. I felt ashamed and embarrassed about my situation and I began to feel isolated both, at work and in my social life. I had many social anxieties of what other 'normal' people would think of me if I revealed or showed how frightened I was of everyday situations. I was afraid they would think of me as strange for having such grossly unrealistic fears. I was forced to lead a secret life, going to great lengths to keep others from knowing about the panic attacks and phobias, I saw my reactions as 'abnormal'. This view created greater stress as it had a crushing effect on my self-esteem. I confided in only a few people - my parents. My mother was very sympathetic and tried to understand, it disturbed my father. In the early stages I told a few people who, because they could not understand, advised me to 'just put your mind to it' and 'go and do it', 'don't be silly', 'you've got to pull yourself together'. I then refrained from telling people, this making me more secretive and selective and adversely effected to a great extent social interactions and relationships. I had two girlfriends who knew. The extended self-scrutiny and at times self pity into which the agoraphobia had drawn me, made me totally absorbed in this problem and although I very much needed to talk I felt that I appeared self centred and had become tiring to family and friends and experienced feelings of guilt for complaining. Two months after the first panic attack l had consulted a G.P. who referred me to a psychiatrist. In fact, I had several psychiatrists over the following years. My problem was never correctly diagnosed and the condition was given a variety of labels 'anxiety state', 'depression' and 'free floating anxiety state'. The first psychiatrist prescribed a Mayo inhibitor, which had dietary restrictions and was quite strong. There was some improvement from feelings of disassociation but the panic attacks continued. The psychiatrists did not help me. They seemed intent on hypnotherapy and used psychoanalysis to delve into my childhood even though I argued that I felt fine up until the first panic attack. The failure of gaining help, understanding and support form the medical professionals really frightened me and I felt a terrible loss of hope in my chance of establishing a normal existence. I felt powerless and the cost to my self-esteem was enormous. The panics, fears, worries and depressions continued throughout the next few years changing in intensity. I did reach a sort of adjustment to my fears and problems but the quality of my life was not good and although the initial extreme constant anxiety was lowered slightly, I was using avoidance tactics. There were always feelings of loneliness and isolation due to my change in lifestyle and largely lack of support and feelings of failure and the ensuring bouts of depression. I did not dare look into the future because it was too distressing so I abandoned my ambitions and goals. I instead took measures aimed directly at daily survival. I took increasing amounts of Serapax (prescribed by a G.P.). Serapax lowers muscle tension and has a mood altering effect, giving some relief from anxiety without sedation. 'Major challenges' such as going out or driving to work would require a larger dose and I found that the effect of this drug could be strengthened if taken along with alcohol. Alcohol was one of the only things that almost instantly lowered the anxiety and I used it constantly to gain relief, usually in conjunction with Serapax. I also smoked cigarettes. The reliance of these drugs disturbed me and although I realised that they were actually creating further serious problems, I could not exist or go to work without them. Although my first thought everyday was what excuse could I have to stay home and although going through the effort, anxiety and pure anguish of driving into the city in traffic each day was very stressful, I kept going and realised there could be no long term improvement without some exposure to phobic situations. Gradually over time this constant unrelenting stress and reliance on Serapax, alcohol and cigarettes began to take its toll on my overall health. I felt exhausted, distant and preoccupied. I alternated between anxiety and depression and had increased health problems, a lowered resistance leading to colds, bronchitis and skin problems. My parents at this time moved interstate and I felt more isolated and alone than ever. My physical and psychological state worsened until one day I did not get out of bed to go to work, I was exhausted from fighting this condition and felt there was no hope for a normal existence. My problems seemed insurmountable and I even contemplated suicide. I felt I had hit rock bottom! Ten years had now passed.
Phase 2
This crisis point also proved to be the turning point. Something in me would not allow me to give up. I forced myself out of bed and started to make a plan of recovery - I felt my very survival depended on it. I had to go 'up'. The first steps towards recovery were very painful and progress was slow. In the following months I turned my attention to gaining knowledge about my condition, Agoraphobia - (I now judged the doctors as completely useless!) and constructively doing something about my physical health. I found a book on Agoraphobia and gained very valuable information regarding my condition and panic control. I also learnt from my reading that clinical researchers are baffled by the absence of well defined personality traits or 'premorbid' signals of oncoming agoraphobia, most agoraphobics were originally no more sensitive than anybody else to travel etc. but have passed through a trauma or a series of super stresses and panic exploded and separation and attachment concerns are awakened. The knowledge gained allowed me to accept the symptoms of my condition which was an important step, as 'fighting it' further stimulates the nervous system. I decided that there could be no long-term improvement of the condition if I was reliant on tranquillisers, which I realised were not helping me anyway. Withdrawal was a painful and arduous task I was on enormous doses (prescribed by the G.P.!) I gradually reduced and suffered many distressing withdrawal symptoms - shaking inside, derealisation, stomach problems, general anxiety and many panic attacks. I was impatient and suffered many setbacks, feelings of frustration and disappointment but I was gradually improving. At the same time I greatly improved my diet, eating lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. When the Serapax was down to the stage where I was not taking them on a regular basis I gave up alcohol and cigarettes. (The cigarettes was the hardest!) and at the same time took up swimming. I have always believed the swimming to be one of the greatest elements of my recovery. It provided me with, apart from the physical and health advantages, a sense of achievement, a goal, amazing stress management due to the physical exercise and regular, deep breathing. (I did not miss more than one day per week in the next five years). It also provided me with social contact and I made new friends. One friend in particular had problems too and we were and still are very supportive of each other. My physical health improved dramatically from the very start and I think I had always realised that I was blessed with an extremely strong constitution, which bounced back very quickly after 10 years of extreme stress and unhealthy living. After some time, although the phobic anxiety and panic attacks were still there, I had a different attitude and tried not to be consumed with it, it was this element of acceptance which helped me through the most difficult times. I began to try to walk distances from the house on a regular basis. I had expected set backs and tried to remind myself of my other achievements when I failed or had a panic attack. I did deep breathing and tried not to have negative thoughts. The improvement was slow but with the combination of withdrawing from the tranquillisers, alcohol and cigarettes and the swimming and a healthy diet my perception of the world had changed. I could think more clearly and I at least felt there was hope and I had some control over my life. My achievements boosted my self-confidence and both my sense of mastery and self esteem were increased. Another event speeded up my recovery. I accepted a position at work, which involved 2-3 hours per day walking around the city doing sales calls. Initially this was extremely stressful, but I always completed my work (I had to!) and gradually the anxiety level went down and although I had many setbacks, felt a sense of achievement in my daily accomplishment. The next few years have showed a very gradual improvement of the agoraphobia- there is no quick cure for this condition but although I still suffer some symptoms of anxiety in some situations, they are not as severe and I feel I have the experience, knowledge and skills to keep it under control. My recovery has not been easy especially in the first couple of years but the final result has been worth the effort. I feel free from the nightmare in which I lived for so long and can live a normal life again. I feel an overall sense of achievement in the control I now have over my life, and in my state of health and well being.

Panic Disorder Became A Problem When I Was About Eighteen

by: Author Unknown,

A few months ago I turned thirty. A few years ago my life was such hell I didn't think I was going to make it.
My panic disorder became a problem when I was about eighteen. I have grown up in a loving, supportive and stable environment. I have never been neglected or abused and there is no apparent history of the problem in my family. For years I just accepted that my panic disorder was the way I am and in fact it was probably a decade before I diagnosed myself and then realised that there must be others out there with the same problem.
I initially thought I had a medical condition. About eighteen months prior to my first panic attack I had contracted viral meningitis - that is a disease where the lining of the brain and spinal cord becomes infected. I could not keep food down and spent months in bed recovering. I lost about 25 kilograms and took at least 12 months to get over that.
When I started having panic attacks, I just assumed there was a connection between the two. I went to heaps of doctors and specialists and had dozens of tests. I had explained the symptoms of my panic disorder, the massive heart palpitations, flushing, sweating, being consumed with fear and depersonalisation. Yet they all told me I was perfectly healthy.
I started to think I must be going mad, so I consulted a psychologist. What a disaster! He told me I was shy, which I already knew. I was chronically shy. He told me I didn't handle stress well and that I should go out and find myself a girlfriend. He made me a relaxation tape which he charged me a small fortune for, however, it had all this traffic noise in the background, so when I listened to it I felt like I was standing on a freeway. Not very relaxing. He told me to avoid situations which made me feel anxious, so I basically avoided all social situations from then on until I developed full on Social Phobia. I had a panic attack in front of that psychologist and he still couldn't diagnose my panic disorder.
Still desperate for help and not yet diagnosed with any problem, I went to see a psychiatrist. He was incompetent. I'd make an appointment to see him and he'd keep me waiting anything up to 4 hours before I got to see him. I would turn up for appointments to find out that he had cancelled all his appointments because he had decided to go home early. After several visits he informed me that he had misplaced my file and that we would have to start over again from the beginning. After about six months of consulting with this incompetent fool, I realised I was getting worse. I told the psychiatrist this and he told me he didn't know what was wrong with me and he didn't know how he could help me. I told him to shove it and I never went back. My G.P. at the time told me a similar thing. He told me he didn't know how to help me, so he wrote the name of another G.P. on a piece of paper and told me this guy would prescribe me anything I wanted, no questions asked if drugs was what I was after. Which I wasn't.
By now I was feeling totally alone and disillusioned with doctors and life in general for that matter. I was having panic attacks everyday, sometimes several, and the chronic anxiety never let up for one second. My job suffered badly and I no longer left the house except to go to work. I never had a 21st birthday party. I simply couldn't handle it.
The next few years I started to improve. My shyness dissipated and my confidence and self-esteem grew. My panic and anxiety started to settle down. By my mid 20's I was virtually panic and anxiety free.
Just after my 27th birthday, my life all came crashing down. My life quickly slipped to an all time low. The panic and anxiety came back worse than ever. I started to abuse Valium and alcohol just to summon the courage to go to work. Work again became the only reason I left the house. I wasn't suicidal, but I had lost my will to live. I went to see another psychiatrist. Another waste of time.
It was nice to meet other people who knew what I was going through. I realised with alot of hard work, recovery was possible. The group has not only been a wonderful emotional support, but I have also learned so much knowledge about myself and my disorder.
I have learned to use meditation and breathing techniques in controlling my anxiety and I have learned to dispute the constant barrage of negative self-talk that feeds my anxiety. The resources 'the group' makes available to members with its excellent facilitators, its extensive library and its regular guest speakers form and invaluable help for myself and other panic and anxiety disorder sufferers.
I now consider myself about two thirds along the road to recovery with some large hurdles still in front of me. Everyday is a challenge now because I am in unfamiliar territory, but eventually I will get to where I want to be and a large part of the thanks will go to the Kew Anxiety & Panic Disorders Support Group.

Recovery in progress

by: Author Unknown,

I sought help for my problem without really understanding what that problem was. I couldn't face supermarkets, movies, post offices, getting my hair done or public transport. In fact anywhere that might be hard to 'get out of.' Through a support group I met a wonderful assortment of people, just like me, and they all had fears and were confused and scared. Attending meetings regularly, I have learnt heaps. Just the knowledge that I'm not alone is very empowering. I know now what a panic attack is, and that it won't kill me. Round the table discussions on different coping techniques and experiences reveal many new ideas and it has built my confidence to be able to deal with situations better. I no longer fear places, I realise I fear the fear of panic. I still anticipate anxiety but I understand the panic and I'm able to function better. I am learning Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and the ability to stop negative thoughts (most of the time). Gradually, I'm getting better in situations, but I've found the key is not to expect miracles and expect to get better overnight. I realise that however small the step I take, it is still a step and I should be proud of that. Learning not to be ashamed of myself and that we are all normal is perhaps the greatest knowledge of all.

Post Natal Depression And Very Bad Panic Attacks

by: Author Unknown,

Having suffered from Post Natal Depression and very bad panic attacks, I was at a very loose end. I was the only person in the whole world that was going through, well, whatever it was. My panic attacks would come at any time, anywhere, and every single time, although I lived through them, they were so real and I really thought each time that I was going to die.
At this time, I was also having a separation problem with my third son. I was even unable to visit the toilet or bathroom without him. I felt we were connected at the hip. I am sure there are mothers out there that know what I am talking about.
I found out that in our village there was a Community House and that they would help out by taking Jesse off my hands for a couple of hours a week and this would help him realise that although mummy wasn't with him for a while, I would come back.
All of a sudden my world became so different. I found a family outside my own.
People that really cared and I found that lots of people, people that I thought were extremely happy, organised, and enjoying life to the full, were not.
I was talking to the Co-ordinator of the house one day and I found out that many people suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and real depression. I was not alone.
Before I knew what was happening, we had an anxiety group, thanks to the Community House. We meet on a Wednesday afternoon from 1.00 p.m. until 3.00 p.m. We advertise our anxiety support group through our leaflets and I found that advertising our group with posters in local chemists and surgeries has helped too. We have become a close group and our meetings together have become so helpful. We share a cuppa and talk about our feelings, we laugh about fears!!
Some of us have met in each others homes for coffee. The main thing is, one of us may have depression, another post natal depression, ante natal depression, panic attacks, just fed up with everything, but we all stick together and we really help each other.
I still suffer from panic attacks, and the friends I have in our group still have their problems too, but, we still meet up every week and have a coffee and a good talk and laugh about them. Everyday we see people walking down the street, we don't know them and we don't know what they are feeling. Everybody has fears and everybody must feel anxiety at some stage in their life. I wish I was better and I wish I could make everyone else better.....If anyone that has a local community house without an anxiety group, talk to your Co-ordinator and make it happen. If I didn't have Crib Point Community House and all the great friends I have there, I would be a very lonely person. At least I am just a depressed person.

Setbacks - friend or foe

by: Author Unknown,

So often people see setbacks during their road to recovery as a failing of their hard work and progress. This is an unfortunate point of view to have; it can only increase the feelings of anxiety that may already be experienced.
Focusing on the 'setback' it is easy to see how this could be thought, until that moment everything had been going well and then 'suddenly' the anxiety or a panic attack returns. This could be perceived as the return of former levels of anxiety and be interpreted as the progress and achievement no longer being effective. What a slap in the face for all the courageous and hard work invested in minimising anxiety and panic attacks!
When used positively, the setbacks we experience can provide much information as to their current presence in our life. They can also bring to our attention the things that may need more of our focus. Regardless of the reason/s for the setback, the fact of its occurrence can be used to our advantage. While sometimes painful and disheartening, they can be a great source of insight. Even the scariest of setbacks can be an affirmation to all the positive personal gains that have been achieved.
Finding a positive side to the return of anxiety does not dismiss the feelings of pain, fear and helplessness that can accompany the setbacks. It is because of these difficult feelings that sometimes come with the setbacks that the positive benefits can be found. Quite often people fail to see how much work they have actually done on their management of anxiety, fail to see the day-to-day benefits they have been experiencing.
The old saying of two steps forward, one step back really does have a place in the process of recovery from anxiety. Setbacks can bring attention to all that has been accomplished, can highlight the courage and strength shown thus far. Recovery is a journey and it is one definitely worth taking, at the end of it is a happier you. It is in the perception that we direct the influence it has, friend or foe - that is your choice.

A brand new life!!!!

by: Author Unknown,

Allow me to start off my story in a positive way - I feel wonderful! It's now 10 months since I took my last pill! I'm so proud of myself, I feel 'clean' and have a great sense of well being. Life is great! My nails are growing, my eyes are clear, I'm told I look well, I can go to the supermarkets and stay there, drive my car, go to the theatre, crowded rooms do not worry me. I sleep well and with the lights out, I have no tension whatsoever, I'm calm, and my mind is not whirling, and there are so many things I learn from day to day that have improved my life that it is so hard to comprehend that these past few years were so frightening and at the time bizarre. I'm free! All without that damn pill. All in all, at 63 I'm looking forward to a brand new life that I did not have whilst I was taking Mogadon and Valium. Little did I know these 'demon-pills' would practically destroy me. My story goes back at least thirty years. I was prescribed a minor tranquilliser for 'nerves of the stomach, tension and lack of sleep'. I had Mogadon and Valium. These I took when I was apprehensive about social functions, dentists, plane flights - then I forgot about the things. There were months when I never touched a thing. Then four years ago I had a bereavement of loved ones very close to me, within three months of each other. As I recall, it was recommended that I take Mogadon to sleep, also Valium to help through the grief, thus dulling my emotions, therefore I did not grieve, still haven't really. I look back now and realise how light-hearted I was about the whole thing. Then one day I had what I now know was a panic attack. I had cardiographs, x-rays, other tests, and I was diagnosed as severe hypertension. I was put into hospital for 2 weeks and sedated on Serepax and whatever else was given to me. I was too sick and scared to query what I was being given. No visitors for that time either. On arrival home I was quite alone and lonely. I couldn't sleep and had the shakes so I was then prescribed Rohypnol. That was disastrous. I had hallucinations, fear and more trembling. I was in a shocking state. I didn't tell anyone I was on my own, wondering what was happening to me. Again I did not want to take the pills, and was told I was not giving these pills a fair chance to work, as I did not take the prescribed dose. I realise now I was causing withdrawal, by increasing and decreasing the dose. I seemed to go along for some time and have good days and weeks. I often wonder what I may have said or done during those days in withdrawal. I found myself becoming agoraphobic, frightened to bath or shower some days, frightened to answer the phone or door; cramps, bad headaches, fear again, trembling and panic attacks, a whole new package. I was a zombie, watching T.V. most of the day, just waiting for night to come to get rid of the day, yet frightened of the night. One day I went to the doctor and said "please help me, I am sick, I don't want to live and yet I have so much to live for". I was not suicidal, depressed or melancholy, but so positive I wanted to feel well and exist. My doctor suggested a hypnotherapist who was also a G.P. I was so optimistic that I'd get help. I went to see him about 6 visits and said to him one day "When are you going to help me off the medication I am taking". At that stage I was to taking ½ mg Valium and I Mogadon a day. I was told "O.K. stop now". So I went away happily knowing I was off all medication. This I later learned was cold turkey and could have proven dangerous. Life was not pleasant for some months, but was certainly no worse than when I was taking prescribed medication. I had some good days but the great thing was I had taken that step on the road to recovery and one day I would be FREE. During withdrawal from the pills, I've had wonderful understanding, loving care and help from particularly Gwenda Cannard and Liz Burtnik, who gave me a brand new life, and new friends at Tranx self-support groups. Sometimes I wake up so happy and have to think "Why?". Now I work at the Tranx telephone information and support service, helping people in withdrawal from tranquillisers and sleeping pills. People dependent on tranquillisers are all ages, both sexes and from all walks of life. At TRANX we feel and care about all people in this desperate situation.