by: Author Unknown,
That flat feeling
I've had low mood and depression on and off since I was about 10 years old. When it's affecting me, I just have that flat effect. Life is just happening and occasionally I get involved in it, but it's just 'there'. Like life is just happening and you're going along for the ride. Questioning is this really your life that you're living.
Anxiety with depression
In more recent years, I've noticed that when I'm depressed I have a big problem with anxiety. It's not just a social anxiety, but more like paranoia. I can easily believe that people are 'against me' or are deliberately trying to make my life more difficult.
Anger and frustration
I've also had a lot of anger and frustration in my life. There have been many contributory factors, but only recently I was diagnosed dyslexic and dyspraxic, with a short term memory deficit and an auditory processing deficit. So those learning difficulties have obviously always been affecting me, though they weren't diagnosed until 3 years ago.
Seasonal effect
I've noticed that winter was always harder than summer. In summer I would still get depressed, but maybe not as much. Of course most of the university terms are during winter, so that made it difficult.
Anxiety at uni
Looking back it's always been there, but I've noticed the anxiety more at uni. For example, I had some time out and then on the day when I was going back in I felt incredibly anxious. I couldn't concentrate on anything and could barely get myself to where I needed to go and do what I went in there to do. I did manage to stick it out, but it was a really high level of anxiety.
Failure, re-sits and repeats
I love studying, but I've never been any good at it. I failed my way through school, but I always loved studying. I just hate being taught in the way we're taught. I can't learn to be taught - I just go away and read for myself. I've repeated 2 years of uni, so for a 3 year course, I would have been there 5 years, and I've had to consider whether or not to carry on. It's been really tough at times.
Staying in bed
In the first few days and weeks of uni I felt almost euphoric - getting out and meeting new people, excited about all that I was going to learn. But once it settled down it didn't feel as much fun and it started being a trudge to just get out of bed. Usually I didn't get out of bed.
Guilt and games
I'd feel really guilty, not being in uni, so I'd start playing games with myself. I'd think, I'll stay in bed now but I'll go in tomorrow, and it won't be a problem to just miss a day. Then it gets to tomorrow and you do the same, so you think OK, I'll start next week properly. On Monday morning at 9am, I'll sort everything out - speak to the lecturers, they won't mind a couple of days. It gets to Monday morning and you think well, I didn't get much sleep on Sunday night so I'm not going to be my best so there's no point in seeing my lecturers so I'll just put it off until the afternoon. And in the afternoon you just go home and go to bed instead.
Depression spiral
That's how the cycle continues. When you start getting low, you get into the cycle of feeling low and doing low things. It's easy to think that people really don't like you, you are a nuisance, can do nothing right, don't want to get up because you're tired, don't want to go out and mix with people... and so it goes on.
I've had low mood and depression on and off since I was about 10 years old. When it's affecting me, I just have that flat effect. Life is just happening and occasionally I get involved in it, but it's just 'there'. Like life is just happening and you're going along for the ride. Questioning is this really your life that you're living.
Anxiety with depression
In more recent years, I've noticed that when I'm depressed I have a big problem with anxiety. It's not just a social anxiety, but more like paranoia. I can easily believe that people are 'against me' or are deliberately trying to make my life more difficult.
Anger and frustration
I've also had a lot of anger and frustration in my life. There have been many contributory factors, but only recently I was diagnosed dyslexic and dyspraxic, with a short term memory deficit and an auditory processing deficit. So those learning difficulties have obviously always been affecting me, though they weren't diagnosed until 3 years ago.
Seasonal effect
I've noticed that winter was always harder than summer. In summer I would still get depressed, but maybe not as much. Of course most of the university terms are during winter, so that made it difficult.
Anxiety at uni
Looking back it's always been there, but I've noticed the anxiety more at uni. For example, I had some time out and then on the day when I was going back in I felt incredibly anxious. I couldn't concentrate on anything and could barely get myself to where I needed to go and do what I went in there to do. I did manage to stick it out, but it was a really high level of anxiety.
Failure, re-sits and repeats
I love studying, but I've never been any good at it. I failed my way through school, but I always loved studying. I just hate being taught in the way we're taught. I can't learn to be taught - I just go away and read for myself. I've repeated 2 years of uni, so for a 3 year course, I would have been there 5 years, and I've had to consider whether or not to carry on. It's been really tough at times.
Staying in bed
In the first few days and weeks of uni I felt almost euphoric - getting out and meeting new people, excited about all that I was going to learn. But once it settled down it didn't feel as much fun and it started being a trudge to just get out of bed. Usually I didn't get out of bed.
Guilt and games
I'd feel really guilty, not being in uni, so I'd start playing games with myself. I'd think, I'll stay in bed now but I'll go in tomorrow, and it won't be a problem to just miss a day. Then it gets to tomorrow and you do the same, so you think OK, I'll start next week properly. On Monday morning at 9am, I'll sort everything out - speak to the lecturers, they won't mind a couple of days. It gets to Monday morning and you think well, I didn't get much sleep on Sunday night so I'm not going to be my best so there's no point in seeing my lecturers so I'll just put it off until the afternoon. And in the afternoon you just go home and go to bed instead.
Depression spiral
That's how the cycle continues. When you start getting low, you get into the cycle of feeling low and doing low things. It's easy to think that people really don't like you, you are a nuisance, can do nothing right, don't want to get up because you're tired, don't want to go out and mix with people... and so it goes on.
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