Bible Riddles

by: Author Unknown,

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out A little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord. A. 2 Cor. 48 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible? A. It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Today's Stock Market......

by: Author Unknown,

Helium is up. Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca-Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Here, Crackers

by; Author Unknown,

Usually, when I'm very anxious I "zone out" and have trouble paying attention to anything "in the moment". This was exemplified a few times with my poor parrot, "Crackers."
One time, while I was going to put him back in his cage from his perch, I opened the microwave door and tried to stuff him in there! Thank goodness I caught myself before I pushed the "start" button!! LOL.
I had one other similar occasion with Crackers, but this time instead of trying to stuff him in the microwave, I tried to stuff him in the garbage can! He had a 55 word vocabulary and yelled at me clearly before I could put the lid down on him!

Did God Make You?

by: Author Unknown,

A little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek.

By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again. Finally, she spoke "Granddaddy, Did God make you?"

"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered; "God made me, a long time ago."

"Oh," she said. Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"

"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago."

"Oh," she said . Feeling their respective faces again, she observed: "God's getting better at it now, isn't he?"

"The Post Turtle"

by: Author Unknown,

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

The old rancher said, ''Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle.' ''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ''post turtle'' was.
The old rancher said, ''When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a ''post turtle.' ''

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. ''You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.''

You Know You're Getting Old When...

by: Author Unknown,

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop, and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

6. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

7. You say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.

8. All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

9. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

10. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

11. Your address book has mostly names that start with ''Dr.''

12. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

13. Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the parking lot.

14. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

15. It takes twice as long--to look half as good.

16. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt--doesn't work.

17. You sink your teeth into a steak--and they stay there.

18. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

19. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

20. Everything either dries up or leaks.

Turkey Talk

by: Author Unknown,

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop, Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of Black November; "Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three. "And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin; And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head. "Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink; And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing." Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice, and diet cola; And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes; I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."

THE CUTTERMAN AND THE PIRATE

by: Author Unknown

A revenue cutterman and a pirate were drinking at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap sea stories. The cutterman noted the pirate's peg leg, eye patch and hook."So tell me," asks the cutterman, "how did you come to lose that leg?""Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I've had this peg leg ever since.""Wow!" says the cutterman. "And how'd you get the hook?""We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had this hook ever since.""Amazing!" says the cutterman. "And what about the eye patch?""Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in me eye.""A seagull?" asks the cutterman, a bit incredulous."Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me first day with the new hook."

A Preacher's Dying Wish

by: Author Unknown,

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go."

Atheist In The Woods

by: Author Unknown,

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, just in time to see a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.
At that instant, he cried out, "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent; even the river stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky, saying, "You deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years. But could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued, and the bear put his paw down. The man breathed a sigh of relief. Then the bear brought both paws together, bowed his head and said: "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive."

Bible Riddles

by: Author Unknown,

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out A little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?

A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

A. The thought had never entered his head before.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the first recorded case of constipation in the Bible?

A. It's in Kings, where it says that David sat on the Throne for forty years.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Big Trouble

by: Author Unknown,

There were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father agreed.
The mother went to the priest and made her request.
He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across from him at a huge impressive desk.
For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble'?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

Brand New You

by: Author Unknown,

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I though you said I had another 40 years?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Children of Israel

by: Author Unknown,

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea. Right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again, you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin' somethin' important. Right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So, what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What were all the grown-ups doin'"?

Christian Bears

by: Author Unknown,

A minister was walking through the woods and came face to face with a huge bear. He fell down on his knees and prayed, "Father, please make this bear a Christian!"
While he was praying he heard a big "Thud".
He opened his eyes to see the bear right in front of him on his knees with his paws held together as if in prayer.
The minister let out a sigh of relief, and then he heard the bear say, "Father, bless this meal I am about to receive..."

Christian Joke

by: Author Unknown

There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Does God Exist?

by: Author Unknown,

There were two roommates in college, one a believer and one not. One day they were discussing the validity of God. The believer said to the non-believer, give me five good reasons why God does not exist and we will go from there. The nonbeliever thought for a while and finally came up with his five reasons. He said to the believer, "can you see God?"
"No," said the believer.
"Can you smell God?"
"Not really," said the believer.
"Can you touch God?"
"No," said the believer.
"What about taste?"
"No," said the believer.
"Well can you hear God?".
"Well, ya I can hear God, in the wind and stuff".
"Well," said the nonbeliever, "four out five, God does not exist."
The believer thought and asked for a while to think about it. Finally he came back and said to his friend, "Okay. Can you touch your brain?"
"No."
"Can you see your brain?"
"Nope."
"Can you smell your brain?"
"No."
"What about hear it?"
"I guess not," replied the nonbeliever
"Then can you taste your brain?"
"No."
"Well then," said the believer, "I guess it is pretty obvious. Five out five, you have no brain."

Fix the Fence or Else

by: Author Unknown,

Seems St. Peter and the Devil had an agreement to share the costs of maintaining the fence between Heaven and Hell.
One weekend there was a bit of a brawl in Hell that got out of hand, and part of the fence was smashed. It went unfixed for weeks and St. Peter approached the Devil about mending it.
Nothing happened over the period of a month.
Finally, in exasperation, St. Peter said he would sue the Devil if he didn't pay up.
"Oh" retorted the Devil, "and where are you going to find a lawyer?"

HMO Nurse

by: Author Unknown,

Three nurses all arrived at the gates of Heaven at the same time and were met by Saint Peter. St Peter asked one nurse, "How have you spent your life?"
She replied, "I was an emergency room nurse. I was stressed out a lot and we couldn't save everyone, but we did help many and did a lot of good."
Saint Peter said, "Go right in!" He asked the next nurse, "How did you spend your life?" She answered, "I was a hospice nurse.
It was depressing some times because as you know, we are there to help the terminally ill and all the patients die, but still I think we helped a lot of people and did some good."
Saint Peter said,"Go right in!" He turned to the third nurse and asked, "How have you spent your life?" She replied, "I was a managed care nurse for an HMO."
Saint Peter pulled out a calculator, computer, procedures manuals and a slide rule. After much calculating he turned to the last nurse and said, "I can approve you for three days in Heaven."

Wanna Borrow A Jack

by: Author Unknown,

One day I went to a lawyer friend for advice.
"I'm in real trouble" I said. "My neighbors across the road are going on vacation for a month; and instead of boarding their dogs they are going to keep them locked up and a woman is coming to feed them, if she doesn't forget. Meanwhile they'll be lonely and bark all day and howl all night, and I won't be able to sleep. I'll either have to call the SPCA to haul them away or I'll go berserk and go over there and shoot them and then when my neighbors return, they'll go berserk and come over and shoot me."
My lawyer patted back a delicate yawn. "Let me tell you a story," he said. "And don't stop me if you've heard it because it will do you good to hear it again."
"A fellow was speeding down a country road late at night and BANG! went a tire. He got out and looked but he had no jack.
"Then he said to himself. 'Well, I'll just walk to the nearest farmhouse and borrow a jack.' He saw a light in the distance and said, 'Well, I'm in luck; the farmer's up. I'll just knock on the door and say I'm in trouble, would you please lend me a jack? And he'll say, why sure, neighbor, help yourself, but bring it back.'
"He walked on a little farther and the light went out so he said to himself, 'Now he's gone to bed, and he'll be annoyed because I'm bothering him so he'll probably want some money for his jack. And I'll say, all right, it isn't very neighborly but I'll give you a quarter.
And he'll say, do you think you can get me out of bed in the middle of the night and then offer me a quarter? Give me a dollar or get yourself a jack somewhere else.'
"By the time he got to the farmhouse the fellow had worked himself into a lather. He turned into the gate and muttered. 'A dollar! All right, I'll give you a dollar. But not a cent more! A poor devil has an accident and all he needs is a jack. You probably won't let me have one no matter what I give you. That's the kind of guy you are.'
"Which brought him to the door and he knocked angrily, loudly. The farmer stuck his head out the window above the door and hollered down, 'Who's there? What do you want?' The fellow stopped pounding on the door and yelled up, 'You and your stupid jack! You know what you can do with it!'"
When I stopped laughing, I started thinking, and I said, "Is that what I've been doing?"
"Right," he said, "and you'd be surprised how many people come to a lawyer for advice, and instead of calmly stating the facts, start building up a big imaginary fight; what he'll say to his partner, what she'll say to her husband, or how they'll tell the Old Man off about his will. So I tell them the story about the jack and they cool off.
"The next time I hear from them, one tells me that the partner was glad to meet him halfway; the gal says she can't understand it, her husband was so reasonable she thought she must have gotten somebody else on the phone; the relatives found out the Old Man had already been asking a lawyer how he could give everything to them before he died, to save them inheritance tax."
I thought, "How true! Most of us go through life bumping into obstacles we could easily bypass; spoiling for a fight and lashing out in blind rages at fancied wrongs and imaginary foes.
"And we don't even realize what we are doing until someone startles us one day with a vivid word like a lightning flash on a dark night."
Well, the other night I was driving home from the city. I was late for dinner and I hadn't phoned my wife. As I crawled along in a line of cars, I became more and more frustrated and angry. I'll tell her I was caught in the heavy weekend traffic and she'll say, "Why didn't you phone me before you left town?"
Then I'll say, "What difference does it make anyway, I'm here!" And she'll say, "Yes, and I'm here, too, and I've been here all day waiting to hear from you!" And I'll say, "I suppose I haven't anything else to do but call you up every hour on the hour and make like a lovebird!" And she'll say, "You mean like a wolf, but you wouldn't be calling me!"
By this time I am turning into the drive and I am plenty steamed up.
As I jumped out and slammed the car door, my wife flung open the window upstairs.
"All right!" I shouted up to her, "Say it!"
"I will," she cooed softly. "Wanna borrow a jack?"