by: Author Unknown,
I first became aware of my anxiety and that it wasn't quite normal to feel this way, when I was 17. I had become very depressed and was taken along to a psychiatrist at the time. Basically all he did was confirm that there was nothing wrong with me and that I should open up and talk about my problems a little more. I had Valium prescribed and gradually settled down to an anxiety lifestyle, deciding I would do without the Valium if I could at some stage. I managed this OK for a few years until I had my first big dissociative experience due to stress about three years later. And this was followed shortly by my first big blinding and frightening panic attack while out bush walking. My thoughts were that yes I had finally gone mad and there was NO way I would tell anyone about this! I began to avoid those places where I thought it might happen again and of course my lifestyle became quite limited over the next few years. I became quite adept at hiding my anxiety, while all the time feeling very very tense inside from being on the lookout for it all the time. This set the pattern over the next 15 years or so. I saw a couple of psychologists during that time and learned yoga and relaxation exercises, but I finally had the name "Panic Disorder" put to what I was experiencing after seeing a woman on the Midday Show talking about it all! I still had no idea how to manage it, but it seemed that staying relaxed and not getting too stressed was the best way. But the problem became that so many things stressed me these days. I was now in my early thirties and still single. I just became resigned that this was how I was, things were hard for me, I was lacking in some way, I couldn't go on holidays, had a job that I was afraid to leave. Even though it was boring it was safe. I met my husband during these years, and amazingly he seemed to still like me even though I had all these things I couldn't do. He helped me to overcome some things, but my anxiety still continued into those early years of our marriage when it became really really tough. In desperation one Xmas, now in my early forties, I rang Life Line in Adelaide feeling so dreadful about letting down my family and friends at this time of year again, and feeling sure I could never find a way to feel better. But this is the thing that made a really big difference. After some wonderful support from the phone counsellor, he let me know about the courses Bronwyn Fox was running. Nothing could stop me going along to that first information night. I was busting to learn some thing about this! And this is where things really started to happen! I found out I was not the only one to feel like this, and everyone there that first night even looked NORMAL! I learned finally a sensible explanation of what had been happening to me AND what I could do to make some changes. This was very exciting to me! I could sense I was on the right track at last and I signed up for the "Living Skills" course a few weeks later. My recovery did not happen overnight. I began to learn about me, where my stress was coming from, what I could do about it. I read books and did more courses that Bronwyn was running.. Meditation, Anxiety Management, Boundaries, Self-Esteem, Inner Child. This was all wonderful new ground for me. I soaked it up like a sponge and really got to work putting it into practice. Learning to accept myself, my feelings and emotions was something I had never considered. I had always been a perfectionist and put everyone else ahead of me. I had been taught that it was rude or selfish to do otherwise. And to follow these wonderful courses, thanks to some wonderful little books by Bev Aisbett I was now able to look at Panic Disorder and Panic Attacks with a sense of humor for a change! What a relief! I have learned that it's very normal to feel anxious at times, but at other times it's not necessary. I began to identify the things I liked to do and those I was simply doing to keep the peace. I began to make better decisions for me. I began to notice some unhealthy friendships and made changes where I could. I became the me who I really was, rather than the me I thought I SHOULD be according to other people's opinions. It had been a tough few years for me. I had a bout with Breast Cancer and I also had a temporary separation from my husband during my recovery. But things have never felt better for me than they are now. I can truly say that what my anxiety disorder took away from me it has given back 100 fold in what it has shown me about myself and those around me. I can see looking back that I had anxiety as a small child, due to very few helpful role models around and learning, without question, some unhelpful ways of doing things. It is never too late to review these things and learn to make better choices for ourselves. So when did recovery actually happen? Was it the the first time I was able to let a panic attack whizz by me and I was able to let it just happen, so that it was over and gone in a matter of minutes? Or was it the first time I sat in the theatre without feeling anxiety? It could have been the time I went out thinking. "Ok so what if I have a panic attack, I know what to do, so I'm going anyway". Or did it really happen when I was able to fly away and enjoy a holiday for the first time in years. Maybe it is even still happening now! Thanks to Bronwyn I have been able to turn my life around, and what started out 18 months ago as a way to help her, in moderating a discussion list about Power Over Panic, has now become an unexpectedly rewarding experience for me. I now have the privilege of being able to see this same transformation take place for those who are putting those same Power Over Panic principles into action as they work through similar life enhancing changes. I wish for you all an opportunity to learn what anxiety in your life can show you.
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