What is recovery, and how do we know when we've reached it?

by: Author Unknown,

Is it the absence of panic attacks and anxiety symptoms? Is it the ability to go anywhere we choose without fear? Will life suddenly become a joyous, happy adventure, with all our problems solved? Or is it something more subtle and profound? Something perhaps we wouldn't even recognize as recovery unless we knew what it was supposed to feel like. When I first joined Bronwyn's e-group in January of 2000, I remember having a discussion with her about what I could expect when I was recovered. In my opinion, being recovered meant never having a panic attack again. Ever. It meant never having anxiety symptoms again. Ever. It meant I would emerge from the smoke and rubble of my disorder a fearless woman whom I would hardly recognize as my old self, able to handle anything life threw at me without so much as batting an eye. I was far from being correct. Bronwyn told me that even after full recovery I might experience the odd attack or symptom here and there. She told me anxiety is a normal emotion, and I would probably feel that as well from time to time. I didn't want to hear that. My focus was on the panic attacks and anxiety alone. I wanted it to be gone. End of story. So, back and forth Bronwyn and I went in our e-mails, she in the hopes of helping me understand what recovery is, and me in the hopes of hearing what I wanted to hear. In life, though, we rarely hear what we want to hear, and more often hear what we need to hear. Sixteen months later, thanks to Bronwyn's book Power Over Panic, her online e-group, my own CBT therapist and a lot of hard work, I can happily say I am almost 100% recovered. Why do I say almost 100% recovered? Well, in those early days it never dawned on me that perhaps there was a reason I had developed panic disorder. I never suspected the way I was living my life, the way I was treating myself, and how I chose to think and react needed to be the true focus of my recovery. So while I can't remember the last time I had a panic attack, I don't consider myself 100% recovered as I know I still have some work to do on myself in those areas. I now understand that the most important part of being recovered is losing your fear of the symptoms. It's not whether or not you feel panicky or anxious, but it's what you do in response to those feelings that constitutes recovery. I may still feel some anxiety surge up from time to time, usually only when I am very stressed about something, but I no longer react to the feelings. There is no longer an element of panic to my "attack." Actually, I wouldn't even call it an attack anymore. Being attacked means falling victim to something. I am no longer a victim of panic disorder. The power has completely drained out of those sensations, and now they are merely just a hiccup along the way. A small and rare annoyance or inconvenience over which I hold the upper hand. Losing your fear of the symptoms, and changing your attitude toward the way your body behaves, along with working with your thoughts will affect every single aspect of your life, not just the disorder. My whole approach to life and to challenges has changed. I am no longer the overactive, drama queen I used to be. I save my dramatic reactions for the positive things in life, like excitement, laughter, love and joy. I now approach problems and challenges in a more productive, rational and logical way. That's not to say I don't get upset, but I know when to reel in the emotions and switch over to a more detached, cerebral way of dealing with things. In other words, I can tell when I'm getting myself all worked up, and I put the brakes on immediately. I understand now that allowing my emotions to run wild, scaring myself with catastrophic thoughts and images is only a form of self-abuse. It scares me, makes me upset, and brings on symptoms. So why would I choose to do that to myself? In learning not to overreact, I've become a much better caretaker of myself. One of my biggest fears was that I would never be normal again. I feared I would always be "different", defective. How wrong I was! Having panic disorder and recovering from it has made me a much more well adjusted and mentally healthy person than I ever was before the disorder! We all want to "feel the way I used to feel." I ask you why? The changes recovery will make in you will far surpass who you "used to be." I know that's hard to believe. You will just have to trust me on that one. So back to the original question. What is recovery, and how will you know when you're recovered? Recovery is so much more than the absence of panic and anxiety. It is the emergence of a better sense of self-worth, a stronger self-compassion, an ability to judge yourself with a gentle eye. It's the ability to accept and love whom you are, instead of constantly trying to be who you think you should be. It's an increased capacity for joy, and an increased strength to overcome obstacles. It's an increased trust in yourself, a deep knowing that you are capable of taking good care of yourself. It's a shift from the deep desire to please others, to the deep desire to please yourself. (This isn't selfish, and learning that is also part of the journey.) Recovery is a process, not an event. It unfolds like a rose. It is an evolution of the mind and spirit. It's an overcoming and a rebirth. It's a bittersweet victory, as you celebrate the person you have become, while letting go of the person you once were. Emerging from a cocoon with gloriously painted wings in the colors of your own choosing, confident of your ability to fly no matter which way the wind may be blowing that day, is true recovery. The end of panic attacks and anxiety is just an added bonus.