by: Author Unknown,
When l was first approached to write about my experiences with anxiety, l had no idea how stressful it would be reliving and analysing half a lifetime of experiences. I would start writing and get on a roll, then avoid it, not wanting to remember all the fear and disappointment. I realised l have been living like this for over half my life. I believe it started as social anxiety leading to panic attacks and resulting in a breakdown earlier this year.
One of my early memories of panic is of a family holiday. We were to drive to Adelaide to visit family. I was stressing over sitting in a car with everyone, which mind you l had been doing happily all my life. I felt l would be trapped in the car with no escape and feared having an attack in front of them. On the day we were to leave l started making noises about staying home. My parents were very lenient with us, so there was no pressure and no questions asked, but l wanted so much to go. I even had my bag packed, l just couldn't get in that car and go. After they drove off l sat in my room crying and hating myself. Situations like these occurred regularly over the last 15 years or so, some more disappointing than others.
Another strong memory from my late teens is of a school awards night. I was thrilled to be receiving an award but the thought of getting up in front of my whole school was just too much. I was panicking and went to the toilet over and over. I finally found the courage to take my seat in the packed auditorium. Luckily l was seated next to a girl who l had been friends with for many years. If not for her talking to me, reassuring and distracting me, l would have run out of that auditorium. If l knew where she was now l would sit her down and tell her what that meant to me. She displayed a lot of understanding and maturity for her age. I am sure we all know people who have helped us through these situations, not realising the important roles they have played in our lives. Another friend recently talked me through a short but traumatic train ride from the city. I felt so strong afterward, but have still managed to avoid trains since.
My breakdown came after a period of increased stress in my life where my attacks had become more frequent and it was taking a lot less to set me off, although l hadn't noticed this at the time.
My partner's career takes him away from home regularly. It was on his return that l had my first unprovoked attack, that is, l wasn't doing anything particularly stressful, whereas previously it had always taken a feared event to set me off, and l felt safe once out of that situation.
The day of my breakdown we were to go to a family do, taking another person in our car. The idea of being in the car with someone else stressed me out all week; l was even having panic attacks in my sleep. When the day came l was consumed with what was about to happen. I told my partner l had a headache, but left with him anyway thinking all the while that l would be alright and then at the same time that l had to get out of the car. He ended up driving me home and going by himself, but l wasn't able to relax, l was scared and teary and ended up calling lifeline. They encouraged me to tell my partner and get to a doctor ASAP.
My experience with the doctor was so different from what many others seem to have gone through. All l wanted were drugs to calm me down, l even rang the hospital, but couldn't bring myself to sit in there and wait. When l finally got into a doctor he said to me "you don't need drugs, you need therapy". I was so upset at the time, but now see it was the best thing for me. I still have times where l feel like l need something, but will fight it if l can.
I have also found books very helpful. I went to the library the day after my breakdown and came home with as many books as l could find with anxiety in the subject matter, and l have been doing this ever since, but now with a little less desperation. I have tried many things that got me through the worst months. I took up yoga and meditation which l found a bit lonely, but hit the spot at the time. I also saw a naturopath which l found beneficial. These activities provided both increased knowledge and a distraction from my thoughts.
I started seeing a psychologist as soon as l could get in, which l think was more of a crutch. She was helpful, but soon seemed to think she had done all she could for me and really a lot of what needs to be done is within yourself. I do still feel the need for professional support at times.
I have told a few family and friends of my situation and everyone has responded a lot better than l expected and have been very supportive. Telling them has eased the burden in some cases and increased it in others. When you have been living with something for so long putting on a brave front, actually admitting such a weakness is very distressing. I have always covered up my unease by being a loudmouth. Most people see me as very confident, but this was all show.
I hid my condition from my partner for 6 ½ years by being a complete bitch whenever forced into an awkward spot. He is very supportive but l know he doesn't fully appreciate the extent of my problems and this is due in part to the fact that l avoid most stressful events. Our relationship creates a whole new set of problems with guilt and questions like "what happens if his work colleagues find out?" and "How do l get over my dependency on him?" Too many things to consider and no easy answers. I have managed to miss only one day of work somehow. This has been one of the hardest aspects of it all, making myself stay at work and not running out hysterically. It has probably helped my recovery by not giving up, but I also wonder how you afford a shrink or naturopath when you have no wage?
I am at the stage now where some days are easier than others, but it is never far from my thoughts. I overthink everything from "is the door locked" to just coping with lifts and being stuck in peak hour traffic that doesn't move. I doubt l will ever be completely free of anxiety, but each new book or treatment helps me move along with the hope that one day everything will be better.
One of my early memories of panic is of a family holiday. We were to drive to Adelaide to visit family. I was stressing over sitting in a car with everyone, which mind you l had been doing happily all my life. I felt l would be trapped in the car with no escape and feared having an attack in front of them. On the day we were to leave l started making noises about staying home. My parents were very lenient with us, so there was no pressure and no questions asked, but l wanted so much to go. I even had my bag packed, l just couldn't get in that car and go. After they drove off l sat in my room crying and hating myself. Situations like these occurred regularly over the last 15 years or so, some more disappointing than others.
Another strong memory from my late teens is of a school awards night. I was thrilled to be receiving an award but the thought of getting up in front of my whole school was just too much. I was panicking and went to the toilet over and over. I finally found the courage to take my seat in the packed auditorium. Luckily l was seated next to a girl who l had been friends with for many years. If not for her talking to me, reassuring and distracting me, l would have run out of that auditorium. If l knew where she was now l would sit her down and tell her what that meant to me. She displayed a lot of understanding and maturity for her age. I am sure we all know people who have helped us through these situations, not realising the important roles they have played in our lives. Another friend recently talked me through a short but traumatic train ride from the city. I felt so strong afterward, but have still managed to avoid trains since.
My breakdown came after a period of increased stress in my life where my attacks had become more frequent and it was taking a lot less to set me off, although l hadn't noticed this at the time.
My partner's career takes him away from home regularly. It was on his return that l had my first unprovoked attack, that is, l wasn't doing anything particularly stressful, whereas previously it had always taken a feared event to set me off, and l felt safe once out of that situation.
The day of my breakdown we were to go to a family do, taking another person in our car. The idea of being in the car with someone else stressed me out all week; l was even having panic attacks in my sleep. When the day came l was consumed with what was about to happen. I told my partner l had a headache, but left with him anyway thinking all the while that l would be alright and then at the same time that l had to get out of the car. He ended up driving me home and going by himself, but l wasn't able to relax, l was scared and teary and ended up calling lifeline. They encouraged me to tell my partner and get to a doctor ASAP.
My experience with the doctor was so different from what many others seem to have gone through. All l wanted were drugs to calm me down, l even rang the hospital, but couldn't bring myself to sit in there and wait. When l finally got into a doctor he said to me "you don't need drugs, you need therapy". I was so upset at the time, but now see it was the best thing for me. I still have times where l feel like l need something, but will fight it if l can.
I have also found books very helpful. I went to the library the day after my breakdown and came home with as many books as l could find with anxiety in the subject matter, and l have been doing this ever since, but now with a little less desperation. I have tried many things that got me through the worst months. I took up yoga and meditation which l found a bit lonely, but hit the spot at the time. I also saw a naturopath which l found beneficial. These activities provided both increased knowledge and a distraction from my thoughts.
I started seeing a psychologist as soon as l could get in, which l think was more of a crutch. She was helpful, but soon seemed to think she had done all she could for me and really a lot of what needs to be done is within yourself. I do still feel the need for professional support at times.
I have told a few family and friends of my situation and everyone has responded a lot better than l expected and have been very supportive. Telling them has eased the burden in some cases and increased it in others. When you have been living with something for so long putting on a brave front, actually admitting such a weakness is very distressing. I have always covered up my unease by being a loudmouth. Most people see me as very confident, but this was all show.
I hid my condition from my partner for 6 ½ years by being a complete bitch whenever forced into an awkward spot. He is very supportive but l know he doesn't fully appreciate the extent of my problems and this is due in part to the fact that l avoid most stressful events. Our relationship creates a whole new set of problems with guilt and questions like "what happens if his work colleagues find out?" and "How do l get over my dependency on him?" Too many things to consider and no easy answers. I have managed to miss only one day of work somehow. This has been one of the hardest aspects of it all, making myself stay at work and not running out hysterically. It has probably helped my recovery by not giving up, but I also wonder how you afford a shrink or naturopath when you have no wage?
I am at the stage now where some days are easier than others, but it is never far from my thoughts. I overthink everything from "is the door locked" to just coping with lifts and being stuck in peak hour traffic that doesn't move. I doubt l will ever be completely free of anxiety, but each new book or treatment helps me move along with the hope that one day everything will be better.
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