Anxiety: .it's a 'fear of ..... only fear'!

by: Author Unknown,

This is a story about myself and how my life has changed in the last 4 years! Today, I'm in my early 40's. A successful executive for a large corporation, a professional, articulate, calculating, intelligent, conservative and a generally 'nice guy'. I have a family, a loving wife and 3 children. I'm living with a change, a change imposed in my life, a change that started on May 27, 1997 at 1.15PM. The change I have gone through has altered my mind set, my mind/body response, my patience, tolerance levels and my resolve. But, that's who I am today! To some degree, I have had a spoilt upbringing, being the last child. One tends to get a bit idealistic about life and a bit 'child like' about things that may be difficult to handle. Why am I telling you this?.well, I want to share with you a 4 year experience and an unraveling of a mystery illness, illusive, changing and considered "unbeatable". May 27, 1997, 1.15 PM: I walked around my home, stressed about work and other issues. I stood in the kitchen, trying to relax, but unable to. I felt a bit claustrophobic, like my personal space was closing in. My heart accelerated marginally and remained at a slightly elevated level, but it felt like a hammer. The claustrophobic response worsened. I walked outside to 'get more air', while I tried to re-assure myself that I had everything under control. I worried about heart attack and my future, my family. I had lost my brother to heart disease two years before this. All this happened in 3 to 5 minutes. I was left jaded, confused and extremely worried. My wife got me to the local hospital. I was checked out fine. In the next few hours, I experienced waves of "very anxious" feelings. I had no idea what was going on! That same night, I paced the floor for hours as I went through several waves of "panic", I paced the floor with my children in the next room unaware of my situation. I was very afraid. I took Valium at nights for about a week. It was supposed to 'take the edge off'. This was fine for the 2 to 3 hours, but it was not going to take the problem away. I carried out a variety of tests to confirm that my heart was fine. I have played sport all my life and all of this was very confusing. "Why has this happened to me?"."what is it?" Each morning, I would awake and the "thing" was there. It was like the morning alarm. The "thing" would stay with me all day. When, I stayed home, it was worse. I never stopped going to work, I had too, to keep busy. I had 'panic' attacks at work. They were frightening and I was afraid in case somebody found out. I virtually lived the 'panic's' at work, smiling when I had too, participating at meetings and going through my activities with great mental pain and anguish. Weekends were no relief. I suffered from a constant sense of 'Dread'. This is a phenomenon that is difficult to categorise. For those people out there that have gone through this, they will know what I am saying. 'Dread' can best be categorised as a dark blanket that envelops the mind and makes one feel very mentally lethargic. It's not the best description, but the best I can do. My weekends fluctuated from 'Dread' to 'Hyperventilation'. It fluctuated, but lasted ALL day, All weekend. I kept a running chart that fluctuated between a 7 to 9 rating. Sleep was the only peace I had. I looked forward to sleep just to get away from my nightmare. The 'Dread', 'Hyperventilation' cycle did not cease, occupying every waking hour of my day. My enquiring mind did not help, as I sought for a solution from my dilemma. There was none..well, there was no easy fix. I visited a well known psychiatrist who diagnosed my condition as fundamentally 'Anxiety', with a 'Panic disorder'. Well, I found out, at least! I had options, medication or CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I chose to overcome my problem without medication. It was now 2 years of the same symptoms plus I had some more to contend with. I found that whenever I took the stairs and obviously my breathing and heart rate would change, I would panic. I would try and avoid stairs, always making excuses, or walk up them slowly. Shopping centers were starting to become a problem. I would get anxious whenever I entered one. One day, on business interstate, out of the blue, I panicked in the shower. It was a bad one, and followed by waves of them, one after another. They hit with vengeance. This was 2 years after the first problem. I was now panicky in showers as well. When I played sport, every time my heart rate or breathing changed, I'd panic., but I persisted in doing these things, I had to. I did not do them because I was strong, I did them because I was inherently afraid that I would have to deal with a bigger problem of avoidance. What I'm about to tell you in no way isolates the effort or the help and assistance, I received from my psychiatrist. It compliments his efforts and does emphasise the importance of the individuals need to take control. My psychiatrist was my 'rabbits foot' and was assisting me with the 'tools' I would need. I would need a lot of 'tools'. My belief system was to be tested. My 'Iron' (that thing in the core of ones soul) was going to get tested. My patience was going to be tested .and still is. My physical system, my endurance, my mental toughness would all be taken to the limit. I read profusely, every view on the subject. I scanned the Internet pages, went to the library and read, read and continue to read. The body has a self-regulating system to heal. It tries to heal itself on a 3-year cycle. So, I figured it's a matter of time and I have to wait and have PATIENCE. This would be the background of all I do to help myself. I MUST HAVE PATIENCE! Being an engineer and aware of how closed systems operate, all systems feed back into the main control to regulate performance. We have 3 basic human responses Anger, Fear and Joy. Take fear, when we are afraid, our system will continue to feed back the 'FEAR' stimulus leading to the creation of the much over used 'fight or flight' response. In 'non-anxious' people, the feedback mechanism is limited and usually cut short. In anxious people the feedback of this fear is repeated over and over again, maintaining the 'fear' or increasing this 'fear'. I have learnt to work on stopping the 'fear' feedback loop, thereby putting a stop or slowing down the 'fear-adrenaline-fear' cycle. Rational 'self-talking' of the situation is often used. De-sensitising of a situation, knowing what is about to arise is another tool. For eg. If I am involved in a sporting activity, I will carry out some self-talk on 'why my heart rate and breathing will change' and look at the possible issues that may arise, rationally addressing them before the activity. Whenever, I carry this out, I can play sport with limited or usually no problems. Face the situation- HEAD ON! This is possibly the biggest test and one I consider most influential in altering negative response. This has involved me confronting the problem areas. Problem with shopping centers, Malls, Cinemas, Church: GO THROUGH IT! DON'T AVOID IT!. Do it progressively, if need be. I once went through a shopping center 12 times. From the car park to the 5TH floor and back to the car park. The first time was 'hell', and so was the second, third, fourth....by 12, I felt comfortable. The next time, I went shopping, it was tough again, but better. Today, I can do it with NO PROBLEM. The last time I had a panic attack was in the shower, 2 years ago. As difficult as it was, I faced it, watched it pass through me, literally. It was an amazing experience. FACE THE ISSUE. Prior to this, I was very afraid of getting into a shower, it was a terrifying experience. I continue to play my sport as difficult as it was, but I persisted and refused to stop. Panic symptoms during sport are very frightening as most of ones system is already under stress. The next week, I would be out again doing the same things experiencing the panicky feelings. These feelings got progressively less. Learn to breathe properly. If you have Anxiety, you are probably not breathing properly. Learn deep, slow breathing, diaphragm breathing. When I feel a bit anxious, I slow my breathing. I use 4 in, hold 2, out 6. If you can afford time for meditation, do it. I have not found time yet to participate in this wonderful release. In-spite of how you feel, get on with what you are doing, is my approach. When I get anxious, hyperventilate etc. I continue to do what I'm doing and I try to ignore it. Its tough, but I find it beneficial. I find the anxiety loses its intensity quickly. This won't change overnight, perhaps not the first time, the tenth time, but it eventually did for me. Accept things for the way they are. This has been my biggest challenge. Don't fight it! For nearly 3 years, I continued to ask."why me", "what caused it". It's no good dwelling on these questions. I could not do anything about it, if I knew why. I often reflect on the words of Shirley Bassey, "I am what I am". I felt I had lost watching my kids grow up for 3 years, the guilt is there, but why should it be? I accept (80%) that this is me today. The way I am is now me, it's my soul, my chemistry for the way it is, not what it was. Get an interest. Get a hobby that occupies your spare time. Variety is the spice of life. Even give something back to the community. Help someone, there are always people worse off. Self-talk does wonders. The power of the mind is totally untapped. If a sportsman can get their motivation levels up to win, ANYONE CAN. I have found several 'self talk' little 'speeches' I give myself under certain conditions. They all work, and work well. The 'self talks' can take away for me 'Hyperventilation', 'Apprehension', 'Dread', 'Panic' feelings. Cured? well, what's cured ? I consider myself having a slightly elevated alarm system. Every now and then, I need to get up and turn the alarm down a bit. It may ring constantly, but its not continually loud anymore...one day the battery will go flat! If it does not, that's OK as well. Getting on top of an Anxiety illness is time based, Its PATIENCE, its FACING THE ISSUES HEAD ON, its believing that you can do it. Its also addressing several issues in a small way continually, relentlessly. Change follows. I play sport 3 times a week, I do my job (the stress is still there), but my priorities have changed, I can go to the mall and I can shower without any problem now. I still hyperventilate, but that's OK, I can manage it. I know none of this is harmful to any part of my body or mind... its fear of ...only fear! I am getting on with my life. I love life, more than I ever did before. I'm probably a better person these days for the experiences I've had (how about that). It's taken me several years to establish this is all about FEAR and "what might happen". I understand that and that's half the battle. I'm not silly enough to believe that I won't have a set back. This time I have tools to work with ..and until then, I am going to live. Thank you for listening and I hope I've helped even in a small way.