I still cannot believe how much my life has changed in one year

by: Author Unknown,

I am 21 years old and have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder since the age of 9 or 10. I believe it was triggered by my father's death when I was 8 years old. My first memories of my anxiety are when I began to be afraid of staying over at my best friend's house. Throughout most of my high school years, I missed out on many social occasions with my friends due to my anxiety. I was terrified of going out to dinner, going on school camps and missed both my semi-formal and my formal. In grade 9 I thought I had "grown out of" anxiety because that year I went out a lot, including dinners, and that did not bother me, but my anxiety returned the following year. My transition into university was relatively smooth. I was very pleased with how I handled it. Until May 28th. In a philosophy tutorial, the tutor was talking about blood, which has always made me queasy. I got very dizzy and thought I was going to pass out but I did not tell anyone. The room was very small and crowded with students so there was no easy way out. Somehow I got through that hour. But afterwards, I went to the refectory for dinner, and I thought, "What if I pass out here? What if I throw up here?" And from that day, I started having those thoughts in increasing numbers of places and situations. Suddenly I was terrified of performing in public (I am a musician), answering or asking questions in tutorials and lectures, going to the movies with friends, talking to the guy I had a big crush on, getting lifts in my friends' cars, catching the bus with friends, etc, etc, etc. All my decisions were based on the "what if" games I played with myself. I chose subjects at uni that did not require giving speeches. I limited my social activities because I had enough stress coping with the "necessary" things in life - things I had to do, like exams, that in my spare time I did not want to have to face anything else. My life became increasingly limited. I could feel my world shrinking around me, and I could see others doing the things I used to be able to do with ease. I could not understand why my friends would organise dinners and other social events. I could not understand why that did not terrify them. I was constantly walking on thin ice, always in a state of alert, ready for something terrible to happen to me. I was never relaxed; I was depressed, and had no social life. I could see what was happening to me but I did not know how to stop it. I knew I had dug myself into my own hole but did not know how to get out. I realised I was having panic attacks and that I was suffering from anxiety about 2 and a half years before I got professional help. I bought some self-help books, thinking I could cure myself, even though the books said self-help books alone are not usually enough. When I got to the point where I was uptight every moment of every day, even while in the "comfort" of my own home, I knew I could not continue life like this. I had thought about suicide but I knew that I wanted to live - I just didn't want to live like this. I was terrified of even eating by myself. I went to a psychologist a couple of times, but I did not feel comfortable with him. He referred me to a GP who was wonderful. She understood about social anxiety disorder and she lent me videos to watch. She prescribed Aropax, an anti-depressant that is also beneficial for anxiety. I did not notice an enormous change on medication alone. I was still having all the same negative thoughts, but the thoughts would have to be stronger for me to have the same level of physical reaction as before. Then I started seeing Sue Cleland for private therapy. The cognitive behaviour techniques are what made the difference. We wrote my thoughts down on paper, which enabled me to look at them objectively, and REALISTICALLY. We searched for alternative thoughts that may be just as realistic, or even more realistic (after some time with Sue I realised these alternative thoughts were much more realistic than my old patterns of thinking). This was the beginning of the turning point in my life. Step by step, I branched out and did things I had avoided previously. My biggest frustration before I got treatment was that I would often do the things I was terrified of, and I would get through them ok, but next time and the time after that it was not any easier. I could not understand why. But now I do. I was achieving these things, but told myself it was a fluke. I still thought "What about next time??? Just because I did it this time doesn't mean I will be able to next time." My life changed when I could answer my "what if" questions with a logical and realistic answer. What if I pass out on stage in the middle of a concert? I used to think, "everyone will laugh at me; they will think I am silly; I will be embarrassed for the rest of my life; I will never be able to perform again." Now I answer my what if question with "people will help me; they will be concerned about me; people are unlikely to laugh but if a few people do, that is their problem; I know I am not silly because I am a smart girl; if I pass out this time it doesn't mean I will every time I perform." With these new thoughts, my anticipatory anxiety diminished substantially. I went to some of my friends' 21st birthday parties - dinners included - I even had pavlova for dessert! And was fairly relaxed there and had a good time. I gave a 20 minute presentation on my thesis at university to a small number of people with great success. I performed in concerts that greatly reduced my anxiety levels and remembered what it feels like to actually enjoy the performing experience. I can catch buses and get lifts with friends. I can be walking through Indooroopilly Shopping Town, realising I am walking in the wrong direction, and just stop and turn around and walk the other way, without having to pretend I am looking at something in a shop first. My biggest achievement and my "present" for all the hard work I have done this year came when a guy I met on the Internet in January flew out to Australia from Holland to meet me. I even allowed him to stay at my house. We went out to dinners, movies, and concerts; I showed him around Brisbane and we did lots of sightseeing. We even went on a 3-night holiday to the Gold Coast, and a 5-night holiday at the Whitsundays - including a 15-hour bus trip, which I NEVER would have agreed to a year ago. This was the first time I had been away from my family for that length of time. I was so proud of what I achieved. My Dutch friend quickly became my boyfriend - the first one I had ever had - and now he is coming back to Australia just in time for my university graduation ceremony before Christmas and is staying in Australia for a whole year. I still cannot believe how much my life has changed in one year. All the things I achieved this year, I never thought I would. Now I have a new part time job - the first time I have been employed by someone other than myself. I am looking forward to next year - my first year out of uni. I see it as an adventure rather than a big scary thing that I won't be able to cope with. I thank Sue for guiding me in the right direction and teaching me skills that I can take with me through the rest of my life.