Old Guard and New Guard

by: Author Unknown,

Old Guard - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.

New Guard - If you smoke, you get sent to the weather deck and treated like a leper.
Old Guard - Mail took weeks to come to the ship.

New Guard - Every time you get near land, there's a mob topside to see if their cell phones work..
Old Guard - If you left the ship on liberty or leave it was in Dress Blues or Undress Whites, even in your home port.

New Guard - The only time you wear Blues ashore is for ceremonies.
Old Guard - You wore bell bottoms everywhere on the ship.

New Guard - Bell bottoms are gone and 14 year-old girls wear them everywhere.
Old Guard - You wore a dixie cup [hat] all day, with every uniform.

New Guard - It's gone and you have a choice in different hats and caps.
Old Guard -The Ships Office had a typewriter on his desk for doing daily reports.

New Guard - Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they wonder why no work is getting done.
Old Guard - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.

New Guard - We put the real thing in the cockpit.
Old Guard - Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.

New Guard - She is on your same ship, praying your condom worked.
Old Guard - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the ship so you could sleep it off.

New Guard - If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
Old Guard - Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.

New Guard - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them because they'll melt, and anything inside always tastes like plastic.
Old Guard - Our top officers were professional sailors first. They commanded respect.

New Guard - Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.
Old Guard - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.

New Guard - They collect our pee and analyze it.
Old Guard - If you didn't act right, they'd put you on extra duty until you straightened up.

New Guard - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
Old Guard - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.

New Guard - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.
Old Guard - You slept in a barracks, like a soldier, sailor,or marine.

New Guard - You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.
Old Guard - You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.

New Guard - You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.
Old Guard - If you wanted to relax, you went to the club , played pool, smoked & drank beer.

New Guard -You go to the Community Center and can still play pool, maybe.
Old Guard - If you wanted a quart of beer and conversation, you could go to the NCO or Officers' Club.

New Guard - The beer will cost you two dollars and someone is watching to see how much you drink.
Old Guard - The Exchange had bargains for Coasties who didn't make much money.

New Guard - You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.
Old Guard - If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of charts.

New Guard - The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a Power Point presentation.
Old Guard - We called the enemy things like "Commie Bastards" and "Reds"because we didn't like them.

New Guard - We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and "Aggressors"so we won't offend them.
Old Guard - We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all their things were broken.

New Guard - We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and won't do it again.
Old Guard - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.

New Guard - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.